An Invitation from All-Alpha Pack Coaching 

Being an Alpha male was simpler when early Homo sapiens man threw on an animal skin, grabbed a cool club and hunted for survival. He had one skin, maybe like, two. And women responded to him — the hot ones who'd already developed two distinct eyebrows.

The modern world is complicated. With limitless options, can you be sure every choice you make is what a true alpha — a determined, fearless natural leader with mirrored aviators and the right amount of chest hair — would do? That's where All-Alpha Pack Coaching comes in. At All-Alpha Pack, there are no Betas, Omegas or other confusing Greek letters. Here, we all lead the pack. It's confusing but very masculine.

We'll help you sort through the hype and avoid pitfalls, even if you're already subsisting on raw eggs and red meat, and increasing your testosterone by blasting your testicles with red light like Tater Tots under a gas station heat lamp. Sit back on a black leather sofa, form a little pyramid shape with your fingers and check out some conundrums All-Alpha Pack can help navigate.

You know alphas always push forward. Many so-called alpha males don't know that's not just a metaphor. Literally never step back. Always be attacking the ground with huge strides, a lion of the Savanna. Even when you feel a spiderweb cross your upper lip — so close to your mouth — keep going. Conquer the weird, wispy bit you can still feel on your chin like an apex predator. If, however, you are headed toward oncoming traffic, soy products or a woman you said something horrible to online, make a wide U-turn, glancing around as though you were checking a perimeter. This will make nearby women feel protected and drawn to you.

If one of those women engages and you say hello and ask her name, you've blown it. Never ask a woman a question. Not knowing things is weak and gives the impression you could not locate food or shelter. Instead, make a confident guess, like Pamela. She will be impressed by your certainty. When she responds, cut her off with another declarative sentence. Never leave a woman to finish a sentence; let her know you are a warrior and a provider, and you have the predicate clause handled. Remember, women are just frail, weak-minded creatures around whose attention and favor you're molding your entire life and personality.

Eating like an alpha goes beyond what to order and tracking your protein intake. Consider cutlery: Spoons are round and feminine. Sporks reek of compromise and are therefore beta. When confronted with soup, true alphas stab the tiny alphabet letters with a Bowie knife and plunge our faces into hot broth, growing stronger and more impervious to pain with every mouthful.

Here's a trickier one on that topic: Straws are clearly for weaklings. But so is yielding to environmentalists. The only alpha solution is single-use Styrofoam funnels. Brain freeze will hit you hard and fast when you down a milkshake, but don't fight it — center yourself and let the pain teach you its secrets until you become the milkshake's master.

Plenty of everyday items we don't even consider undermine our alpha-ness. Like buttons. Only wear clothing that releases with a rip cord. And toothbrushes. Oh, you want to put a tiny broom in your mouth and make little circles like a bitch? Try mounting a boot brush on your bathroom counter so you can drag your bared teeth across the bristles. Don't let a little blood and tissue in the sink scare you. Gums are beta. Your teeth should protrude directly from your jawbone like a T-Rex skeleton at a natural history museum, which, incidentally, is the only acceptable museum.

But what about pinkies? The smallest finger on your hand can be rescued by burdening it with an enormous lug nut of a ring (see our online selection of manly jewelry guaranteed to sink you to the bottom of any body of water). Over time, your pinkie will grow thick and muscular until it's basically a second thumb. Pinkie toes, however, have to go. There is no room on the alpha male body for the piggy that went wee-wee-wee all the way home.

Is listening to someone else telling you what's alpha kind of beta? You tell me. Look at this lustrous beard so full and thick that it was once mistaken for a beaver's pelt by an actual beaver that tried to fight it or — it happened so fast — possibly mate with it, which I would absolutely not be down with, though I'd respect the animal's take-charge approach. That's the power and dominance I wield. All-Alpha Pack can help you find that beaver in you, too.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or [email protected]. Follow her on Instagram @JFumikoCahill and on Mastodon @jenniferfumikocahill.