Wishful Weed for 2024 

Ladeez Nite. Girlfriends, it can be tough to keep the fabulous vibes going when the people who want to define you solely by your reproductive organs also want to strip you of control over them and do a quick junk check before you can use a bathroom or compete in sports. This combination of Barbeez Dreamhouz and Handmaid's Bail is designed to balance out the yaasss and yikes of it all long enough for a night out with the girls. (As of press time, it was still legal to walk outside without a male relative.)

AirFried. Is your dab rig taking up too much room? Maybe the old gravity bong is bringing you down? At last, there's a cannabis strain with moisture and resin optimized for air fryer compatibility. Just toss in a bud — you're already using it for every solid food, regardless of whether it makes sense — and let the natural healing power of the plant's essence wash over you from the vents. In regular or extra crispy.

Empty Inbox. You could stand under an icy waterfall for hours and never feel the mental stillness of a completely empty email inbox. Nothing to reply to, no photos to comment on, nobody seeking clarification re: your previous message, or looping you in on jack squat. That's the deep meditative silence this strain grants you, the feeling of being totally unsubscribed.

Electoral Trainwreck. It's an election year, folks. That means you need a plan to vote and strap in for the blue and red map to start lighting up the TV, as well as the panic center of your brain. Everyone is hyping OG Gerontocracy vs. Orange Treason, but we've crossed both with Cherrymandering and the newly developed Our Democracy Teeters on a Knife's Edge. Sure, we could end up with a treasonous rapist returning to the White House but at least you'll be too high for the torturous count-along with the electoral votes when polls close.

Robo Crop. Are visions of 13-fingered AI-generated people grinning madly from your computer screen keeping you up at night? If so, is it the general body horror, or the looming obsolescence of your creative field? Artists and writers need a deeply numbing Indica to blur out the background awareness that both companies and their pals on Facebook prefer AI-produced falsehoods and fever dreams to paying human beings for their work.

Whatever the SCOTUS is Smoking. Looking over recent rulings and recusal refusals, the majority of the nation's highest court has got to be high as hell. Perhaps you, too, need the hard-hitting combination of Dred Butterscotch and the heavily hallucinogenic Money Is SPeach Ringz to live with your worst decisions — or the impacts of theirs. That combo will definitely blow your robes up, allowing you to wave off an insurrection or bodily autonomy like the Founding Fathers waved off a little slavery.

Cocaine. The name says it all, right? This strain offers intense euphoria, superhuman confidence and crazy energy. But don't worry, it's still nonaddictive and won't kill you because it's cannabis. Definitely not actual cocaine. Here, jam a knife in this plastic-wrapped brick and rub a little into your gums so you can see ... oh, damn. That's just cocaine.

Newsflash. Is there a strain strong enough to ease the anxiety of living in a never-ending news cycle of jump scares? Lol, no. But in its shatter form (and when taken inside a sensory deprivation tank), Newsflash can give you a shot at focusing on one — just one! — overwhelming calamity at a time. At last, you can have an emotional breakdown about just the most recent school shooting or act of genocide before the next awful thing comes up. That should be in about four minutes.

Rocky Raccoon Road. After a long day being ground in the gears of capitalism, do you ever look out the window to the trash cans on the curb, maybe the trees beyond them, and dream of freedom? One good hit of this Indica and Sativa hybrid and you'll get in touch with your raccoon self: swaddled in fur, beady-eyed and agile-fingered, no longer shackled by a job or possessions beyond what you rummage for. Your desires are your own, free of society's judgment as you feast on a stale chunk of doughnut beneath the moon, utterly untamed.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or [email protected]. Follow her on Instagram @JFumikoCahill