(April 18, 2024)
Welcome to Washed Up's Xucation Channel where we present science education in a format that people will actually watch. In this episode, a lady visits a gentleman and we learn...
(March 7, 2024)
Look there! It's Stiletto Stacy strutting down the street in her high heels knowing she looks sexier than the women wearing sensible shoes. And there goes Steel-toe Steve daydreaming about...
(January 11, 2024)
My brief crime spree included breaking and entering, grand larceny, vandalism, attempted murder, wire fraud, resisting arrest and, finally, indecent exposure. However, as a criminal, I have a line I...
(November 16, 2023)
Hello. I'm the mayor of Schlong Beach. Despite my town's name, you won't find any "phallic symbols" here. We are fully phallic. For example, the monuments to our heroes aren't...
(October 5, 2023)
I said, "Get outta my way, old man. I don't need your rules. That's why I'm running past your NO RUNNING sign and diving next to your NO DIVING...
(August 10, 2023)
Like all wizards, my old friend Merdalf carried a long wooden staff. It was covered in markings that looked like ancient runes and mysterious maps. He found it washed up...
(June 29, 2023)
My Michael beat up a motorcycle gang unnecessarily. So, I grounded him, and I'm writing his Washed Up column this month. It's a story about a loving mommy and...
(May 18, 2023)
As a billionaire, I'm told I should do something good for the planet. That's B.S., of course, but I opened a sustainable seafood restaurant to make it look like I...
(April 20, 2023)
A bewildered-looking clown walked onto the stage, so I said, "Please welcome marine biology clown Max Winkle to Washed Up Family Science Hour!" "Today we'll be learning about a sea...
(February 23, 2023)
My classified ad: "For $100 I'll bring liquor and fight you at the beach." My first client was a little skinny guy. We downed the bottle like rockstars and went...
(January 19, 2023)
The DJ said, "It's the top of the goddam hour and you're listening to sea cucumber radio. Nothing but rock! Request lines are open." So, I called and said, "Did...
(October 20, 2022)
Try this experiment: Cut yourself into two equal halves. I recommend a chainsaw for efficiency, but maybe you are good with an ax or have a bread knife handy....
(September 15, 2022)
One day I found myself stuck in an elevator with a beautiful pregnant female. Just to make both of us less uncomfortable, I said, "Hey babe, I ain't into knocked-up...
(August 18, 2022)
The large sign over the archway said: "Welcome to Pillowburg Resort and Spa!" The small sign next to it said: "No Crabs Allowed." The guard, a flabby sea slug,...
(July 14, 2022)
During my Washed Up World Tour performance at London's Royal Albert Hall, I wanted to hear funny accents, so I did a Q&A session. Someone asked what's the most common...
