Is Zopissa Right for You? 

Always take Zopissa as directed. Like the people in this ad, while laughing in a park with a non-threateningly diverse group of friends in colorful clothing. Or in full makeup with a glass of water in your sunny, spotless kitchen as you smile mysteriously at a cabinet. What's in the cabinet? That's your strange and potentially sinister secret.

Ask your doctor about Zopissa. And by ask, we mean order it with the same confidence and unwavering entitlement with which you might request an upgrade to business class upon discovering there will be an infant on the flight and no, absolutely not. And if this already harried person cannot make the upgrade happen — cannot do this one simple thing — perhaps there is someone semi-competent who works here, maybe a manager, who can do their goddamned job?

Do not take Zopissa if allergic to Zopissa. Are you allergic to Zopissa? Only one way to find out and that's pulverizing a handful of tablets in a food processor and blowing a few rails with a tightly rolled copy of your prescription. Wait 10 minutes to see if your ears swell to the size and shape of apple fritters, or your vision narrows to a pinhole, or your lungs start to feel like a pair of skittish Angora rabbits, or you experience intense itching of the liver. Shh, the ambulance is coming. OK, you should have called an ambulance before trying Zopissa. Just in case.

Side effects of Zopissa include nausea, vomiting, dizziness, more vomiting, inability to stop vomiting, light headedness due to dehydration from all the vomiting, shock at continued vomiting when there can't possibly be anything left in your stomach, Jesus, how are you still vomiting, and that was definitely a whole circus peanut you just vomited up and you haven't eaten one since you were a kid. Many patients also experience weight loss.

Some patients who take Zopissa experience thoughts of murder. Murder has happened with patients who take Zopissa. However, only a small percentage of patients who murdered after taking Zopissa were caught. Zopissa may even help you beat a lie detector test. If someone you know commits or is planning a murder while taking Zopissa, keep your mouth shut because snitches get stitches.

Zopissa has been linked to ALI, or Acute Liver Itch, and PILS, or Persistent Itchy Liver Syndrome. Patients who are going to be babies about a little liver itching should go cry to their mommies and stop taking Zopissa immediately or as soon as they're done wiping their tiny baby noses.

Serious side effects of Zopissa may include hallucinations, like apocalyptic visions akin to a 3D virtual tour of a Hieronymus Bosch painting of Hell, or immersion into a landscape composed of and populated by marshmallow Peeps. Kind of a crapshoot. In some cases, supernatural entities, like the sphinx Horemakhet, may appear. If this occurs, correctly answer its riddles three and call your doctor immediately. Auditory hallucinations may include the creepy giggling of ghostly children beckoning you to come play with them, the croaky hissing of a Komodo dragon right behind you and/or a blasting reggae air horn.

Zopissa is not a weight loss medication. However, partly because Zopissa makes all food taste like hot roofing tar, many patients who take Zopissa lose weight. Also all that vomiting. Most patients lose just enough weight for people to notice so it becomes the topic of every conversation and everyone is looking at your body really intently and they want to know how you did it and now you're feeling a little nausea and having some murder-y thoughts and holy hell, your liver is really itching.

Do not take Zopissa with alcohol, lol. Seriously, though, don't. (Long stare, slow wink.) Because it could interact with Zopissa in unpredictable divorced-aunt-on-a-cruise ways depending on your metabolism and whether you are a rowdy, sullen or mean drunk. If you do consume alcohol while taking Zopissa, stick to clear liquor and give someone else your keys and your phone because damn.

Do not operate machinery larger than an electric toothbrush while taking Zopissa. Long-term use of Zopissa can result in random blackouts, sleep loss, sleepiness, light sensitivity, extreme light sensitivity, crumbling to ash in sunlight, hair loss, hair growth in surprising locations, re-experiencing traumas you thought you'd kind of worked through already, as well as headaches and cheese teeth.

Do not cook Zopissa in a spoon over a flame and inject Zopissa unless you really know what you're doing.

Some studies have linked Zopissa to TLE, or Traumatic Liver Explosion. Do not take Zopissa if your liver has already or may explode. In most of these studies, patients whose livers exploded lost an additional 3 pounds.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or [email protected]. Follow her on Instagram @JFumikoCahill and on Mastodon @jenniferfumikocahill.