Alternative Energy Brainstorming with Billionaires 

Welcome all! Thank you for joining me in my secret underwater bubble retreat overlooking the Mariana Trench. Please make yourselves comfortable — I only ask that you not tap on the glass.

I think I speak for us all when I say the time for climate denial is over. It was a good run. Rupert, you gave it 120 percent and we all respect that. But now is the time for action. We need to come up with alternative energy sources to exploit and monopolize, thereby funding the tech and hardware to rocket us off this overheated pizza roll of a planet. Obviously, all this is confidential, as we don't want Oprah or Taylor swooping in. And yes, that is them in the next bubble over. Please try not to make eye contact.

Remember, we're spit-balling here and there are no bad ideas, especially in a room full of business and tech geniuses, am I right? Just think them at the retinal scanner in front of you and I'll read your thoughts as the AI picks them up from your pupillary contractions. It's perfectly safe.

OK, first one! "Let's Jurassic Park some more dinosaurs and make more oil out of them." I see what you're getting at, but that's a very long-term goal. Like 110 million years and change. And we'd still have that old carbon emissions chestnut. But let's not rule out bringing dinosaurs back for other stuff.

Next we've got, "What about wind energy?" Yeah, Warren, we worked on that one using our usual economic models but it turns out you can't establish a monopoly on wind. Also disappointing to find out the book Inherit the Wind wasn't a follow up to The Art of the Deal. It's almost as bad as solar power. The shit is just everywhere. Let's keep going. No bad ideas, folks. Except wind and solar.

What's Jeff got here? "The rendered fat of the poor." Now we're back on track. Feels like we should get legal in early on this one. But I don't hate it.

A couple questions popping up in the feed here. Elon wants to know, "How many peasants would it take to power a car and what races are we talking about?" And here's a reply, "Probably two or three to self drive to the next crash." OK, that's not productive, Mark. He says, "Sorry, bro. I am joshing. With you, another person. Do we have to wait for them to die?" That's actually a good point. Again, let's put a pin in it for legal.

Leslie, go ahead, man. "Lowering the age of consent." Again with this? We're trying to cash in on the climate crisis, here. Don't cheapen it by going off the agenda. We'll get to it at DAVOS, buddy.

Here's something. "Crypto energy. We sell it but don't explain it." Huh. I kinda feel like we can do this one no matter what. You could even run it on the side with the rendered fat thing. It's like Buddhism or aioli, you can just add it to anything. Good one, Bill.

Tim is chiming in. "How about we innovate, streamline and upgrade for more efficient delivery from existing energy sources re: outlets and cords." Yeah, that's Apple's solution to everything, Tim. Nobody wants to see your new dongle. Learn a new song.

Come on, guys. We're responsible for creating a solid hunk of this disaster, between the manufacturing and the shipping, the lobbying to fend off regulation, and that relentless climate denial propaganda. The least we can do is squeeze more revenue than we could ever spend from the fallout. Which reminds me, where are we on nuclear plants? Besides the one powering this facility, of course.

All right, Vladimir is finally in the game. "Re-upping pact with Satan." Wow. That's dark. I really thought you were joking when you brought it up during the icebreaker game.

Oh, the screen's lighting up. A lot of interest in that pact, I guess. Let's get IT in here and see if we can summon this far from the surface. And hit the blinds. Can't have Oprah seeing this.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or [email protected]. Follow her on Instagram @JFumikoCahill