Wytch Wellness™ 

Everyone wishes there was a magic potion for wellness and at Wytch Wellness™, there is! If you're ready to commit (for eternity), we can help you transform your life, ditch stress, sleep better and feel good in your skin (or whoever's). Our program is no fly-by-night fad, either; it's backed up by centuries of expertise. And some flying by night.

Sadly, in 15th century Europe and the Colonies, wise women and healers, most of whom weren't even real witches, were vilified and tortured, then drowned, hanged or burned alive. On the bright side, through luck and treachery, our grandmothers' grandmothers survived and passed on their knowledge of herbology, rituals, spirituality, nutrition, demonology and skincare so we can share it with you for a small initiation fee (and monthly membership dues). Welcome to the Wytch Wellness™ Coven.

Maybe you've tried manifesting, aromatherapy or traditional herbal medicine. Great! But sometimes you need something stronger than a vision board, essential oils and grassy tea. Make no mistake, Wytch Wellness™ is straight-up witchcraft, and we don't mean the gentle contemporary paganism of your Wicca cousin with her flowy tops and statement jewelry. Nor is it all-flash/no-results Satanism or it's insufferable book-club cousin The Secret. Wytch Wellness™ is a soul-damning system of linking your essence to dark and malevolent forces in exchange for unfettered power, unnaturally long life, eerily glowing skin and balanced gut bacteria.

Once you prick your finger and sign up for one of our packages — six-months, one-year or our all-inclusive Until the Debt That is Owed is Paid in Flesh package — you'll have access to our Wytch Workshops™, one-on-one Coven Coaching™ (in person or via Zoom) and exclusive experiences at the Dwelling, a once-abandoned castle deep in an undisclosed forest clearing you can only find if you bring a jagged branch of white ash and a hoofed animal you're not super attached to.

We get it: You've done every cleanse, fast and diet out there, but none of them work long term and you feel powerless. If you're tired of diets failing and hating your body, join us at the Dwelling, where we'll take you back to basics with a jump-start lunar cycle spent eating foraged herbs, mushrooms, charred offerings and a fermented reptilian egg — well, let's call it a "smoothie" — specially prepared by an artisan hag under a Blood Moon. Your weight won't change but you'll be too busy communing with a pack of wolves to care. You won't even have to cut carbs.

Stop punishing yourself with exercise. Instead, add joyful movement to your daily life, like dancing naked around a fire in the woods to summon dark forces. Work on essential core strength by maintaining a plank position while you levitate above a circle of your sisters with your eyes rolled back in your head like a pair of boiled eggs. Yoga is cool but does triangle pose send a bolt of cosmic power through you, allowing you to see into the hollow, cracked hearts of men, into whom you can extend a tendril of your darkness and lay poisons or salves as you will?

Typical "wellness" companies talk a big game about empowering women, all while touting methods to shrink our bodies and our pores, to wear us away like soap until we're as small and smooth as possible. What if, instead of diminishing, you grew into a massive braid of thorny vines twisting skyward as your roots cracked the earth below? At Wytch Wellness™, we understand your journey is about so much more than achieving a "beach body." It's about summoning a lightning storm over that beach, cackling into the blackened skies and vanishing in a burst of ravens. It's about building the body you've always dreamed of, reanimating it and sending it into the night to do your bidding.

Which is not to say we at Wytch Wellness™ don't enjoy beauty rituals and holding those who would seek to control us in thrall to our glamor. Say goodbye to tired, puffy eyes by microdosing deadly nightshade for the deep, dreamless sleep of the dead. Delve into our secrets for pampering, moisturizing and preserving your mortal coil with natural ingredients like shea butter and the blood of the innocent — after all, you'll need this husk for the next century or so before swapping it out. You'll not only have hauntingly bright feline eyes that pierce the dark and perpetually windswept hair, but you'll truly own your strange and terrible beauty.

So many in our Coven™ came to us exhausted after going from doctor to doctor for a draining mystery ailment and pain nobody takes seriously. The bad news is Wytch Wellness™ may not be able to diagnose you either, no matter how many runes and still-warm entrails we scry on your bare belly. But we can teach you to transfer your chronic pain, digestive problems and mysterious blackouts to the enemy of your choice. (Disclaimer: Unfortunately, due to high demand, Andrew Tate and Matt Gaetz are not currently available.) We'll also share how you can send a plague of boils to healthcare providers who dismiss you with phrases like, "Sounds like stress."

Stress will be a thing of the past, too. You'll learn to make your own potions to balance your mood and come down after wreaking havoc on those who dare oppose you. And there's nothing like the inner peace that comes from being in tune with the Elements, humming with awesome power, and seeing your enemies ground into bone meal and scattered by the winds now at your command.

Sign your blood oath in our Black Book now to get started on your Wytch Wellness™ path today. Start living your first best life and frightening the holy hell out of everyone else.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or [email protected]. Follow her on Instagram @JFumikoCahill and on Mastodon @jenniferfumikocahill.