As you may know, due largely to the loss of its primary predator to sea star wasting disease, the population of purple urchins ( Strongylocentrotus purpuratus) has exploded along the California coast. These urchins are eating enough algae to seriously impact the kelp forest ecosystem. So, I ordered the Washed Up LLC branch chiefs to […]
Mike Kelly
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Orca vs. Whale
There are two types of people in this world: There are people who would be horrified to witness a pod of orcas attacking a baby whale and ripping out its tongue, and there are those of us who would go, “Yeah! Wooo!” The orcas responsible for this glorious (or horrifying) behavior are the so-called transients […]
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Bull Kelp vs. Bullshit
Climate change-related shitstorms are not funny. So if you came here for humor this week, you’ll have better chances reading the crossword puzzle. I know someone will say, “But there’s no actual shit falling from the sky, so global warming is a hoax.” That’s fine, but I’ll even let doubters choose the type of shit […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Life as a Beach
I woke up this morning to find that I’m no longer human. I’m a beach! I’m a dynamic beach with large surf breaking over me. The waves erode the large dune that used to be my beer belly, and when the tide recedes, the dune is replaced by a flat gravel bed. And just beyond […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
The Monkey and the Pipefish
I enjoy beachcombing for many reasons but walking in sand isn’t one of them. So I hired an out-of-work circus monkey named Frank to help me. He’s super cute in his clown suit, doing tricks on his tiny dirt bike, and he’ll do anything for some banana. I couldn’t understand why the circus would fire […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
The Beachcombing Olympics
The 2024 Olympic qualifying trials in beachcombing are about to start right here in Humboldt! I’m hoping to represent Team USA in the 10,000-meter freestyle beachcomb. I’m up against a crowd of fierce-looking athletes. Wish me luck! The objective is simple: Competitors cover 10,000 meters of beach in a full-contact beachcomb to find the most […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Surf Smelt Crime Spree
I’ve noticed recently that once a person commits enough crimes in plain sight, all their subsequent crimes are basically freebies. One life sentence, 12 life sentences … who cares? And there are only so many times you can be executed. I’d like to achieve this exciting state of crime freedom. So I’m going to start […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Getting Out of Your Shell
I answered the doorbell and found Wonder Woman standing there in full costume. She explained that she was a space alien telepathically disguising herself. In order to gain acceptance, they appear to Earthlings as the subject of our most recent erotic fantasy. It totally worked and I invited her in. (My dog must have thought […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Purple Baby Boom
Purple surf happens. I’ve seen it only once locally — in July about five years ago. But purple scum on the beach last month could indicate that it had happened again. The phenomenon is caused by a strange, gelatinous, millimeters-long animal called a doliolid. The purple species is Dolioletta gegenbauri. Sorry, but no one has […]
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Molluscs and Murder
Well, I was acquitted of murder again. This time I had beaten a man to death with my bare knuckles because he called a scallop a “clam.” The judge agreed it was justifiable homicide, saying, “If the victim had read Washed Up regularly like a good citizen, he wouldn’t have been so ignorant and Mr. […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Raised by Otters
Over the years I have found three dead North American river otters (Lontra canadensis) washed up on local beaches. One of them had worn teeth, so may have lived a full life, which is supposedly between about eight and 12 years in the wild. The second otter was small but badly decomposed, and I didn’t […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Bagging a Lingcod Skull
Woohoo! I got me a professional beachcombing sponsorship. The good folks at Drip-Block Plastic Bags will cover all my beach-related expenses and I just have to be a pretty face, saying nice things about their excellent products. For example, in this story I’ll say, “I safely transported this giant toothy lingcod head home in the […]