The inescapable truth is that generative AI is the future, laid out before us like a swirling, slightly-off carpet of AstroTurf in a dream where it kind of turns into water. In fact, after checking Chat GPT, the survival of which depends on its ubiquity, it assured us everyone is already using it. Late adopters […]
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Prominent Male Figures Who are Not Sexual Predators
A tentatively confirmed list in progress CORRECTION: Following information submitted by a reader, the Journal is compelled to remove Garfield the Cat from its list of Prominent Male Public Figures Who are Not Sexual Predators. In the comic strip called to our attention, Garfield, leaning against a lamppost, says to a female cat, “Hey, Arlene, gimme […]
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Asking for an Administration
Thank you for taking the time to complete this brief survey. The questions that follow are purely hypothetical and part of a study you absolutely don’t need to worry about for a think tank focusing on outside-the-box solutions to our political divide. And by “the box,” we mean accountability. Please read the scenarios below — […]
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New Food Pyramid FAQ
Since Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. launched our new food pyramid, we’ve gotten a lot of questions. As the architect of this pyramid, I’ve prepared a list of frequently asked questions, answered to the best of my ability with the time I have left. Why are we back to a […]
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Hallmark Christmas-Romantasy Movie Pitches
Good morning. I’ll get right to it: The numbers are bad. We are losing our target audience of straight, white women in droves. Initially, we responded by dipping our toes into inclusivity: a couple of Ikea gays here, a light brown Santa there. But our crushing grip on the market from the first whiff of […]
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Rejected Names for Pantone’s Color of the Year Cloud Dancer
As we do every year, we at Pantone spent the last months sorting through a storm of swatches — literally every color perceivable by the human eye — to name the color of the year, the hue that captures the aesthetic zeitgeist. The 2026 Color of the Year is Cloud Dancer, “A whisper of tranquility […]
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Our Daughter Amantha
Attn: Milton G. Burg Junior High Principal Samantha Summers Re: Fair Accommodation Standards for all students, possible litigation Dear Principal Summers, I’m writing to you today to document our family’s struggles over the past few months to obtain a fair and equitable education for our child, your student, Amanthania BloodRoseoftheHeath Anderson. A copy of this […]
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The Cult of Ictharel Calls for the Media to Stop the Demonization of Ichtharel the Unclean, Bringer of Armageddon and Devourer of All, and His Supporters
Good evening, fellow cultists, Hell-born creatures of unfathomable evil and members of the media. First, apologies for the oppressive cloud of sulfur, the result of Our Mighty and Merciless Overlord Ictharel having incinerated the previous cult president only hours ago. Second, thank you for all the well wishes on my subsequent rise to cult president. […]
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Our Democracy is Crumbling Before My Eyes and Women Still Won’t Sleep with Me
First of all, let me just say this is not what I voted for. In 2024, many young American men like myself were primarily concerned with our economy, immigration, geopolitical conflict and not voting for a Black lady — that’s not a race thing, by the way, because I would not have voted for a […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Tips for Celebrating the Fourth of July in 2025
Ambivalence about Independence Day festivities is as old as the holiday itself — bold move declaring all men equal while you’re still running chattel slavery. And genocide. You could say having misgivings amid the parades is traditional. In his 1852 address “What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?” Frederick Douglass noted, “The blessings […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Options for My New Email Auto Reply Message
Thanks for messaging me. I will endeavor to respond to you in a timely manner but, due to the sheer volume of emails arriving in my inbox with each passing moment, I will fail. Sweet Jesus, there’s another dozen. Cheers. Thank you for contacting me. And kudos in advance for your heroic patience in awaiting […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Department of Forest Efficiency
Thank you all for tromping out into the woods for this press conference. Let’s get started so we can all return to the safety of fluorescent lighting as soon as possible. As you know, this administration is very concerned with the environment, particularly our forests. And together with the Department of Government Efficiency, headed up […]