Flydentifier: “What’s going on guys? It’s your pal Flydentifier with another livestream during which I’ll fly around helping perplexed beachgoers identify washed-up things. I’m now hovering in front of our first customer.” Surfperch Angler: “What the hell …?” Flydentifier: “Ahoy, honorable surfperch angler! You have found a cluster of still-living parchment worms, which is a […]
Mike Kelly
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Hot Tomcod Action
Welcome to Washed Up’s Xucation Channel where we present science education in a format that people will actually watch. In this episode, a lady visits a gentleman and we learn about an interesting fish. “Hey handsome, bet you can’t resist these.” While he fails to resist those, let’s discuss the Pacific tomcod (Microgadus proximus). This […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Wandering Meatloaf
Look there! It’s Stiletto Stacy strutting down the street in her high heels knowing she looks sexier than the women wearing sensible shoes. And there goes Steel-toe Steve daydreaming about finding a hippie to kick the shit out of. Isn’t it interesting how a person’s footwear is such an important part of their identity? This […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Sea Palm Crime
My brief crime spree included breaking and entering, grand larceny, vandalism, attempted murder, wire fraud, resisting arrest and, finally, indecent exposure. However, as a criminal, I have a line I will not cross. This gives me a sense of moral superiority over regular low-life criminals. That line is: I will not harvest sea palm (Postelsia […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Barnacle Envy
Hello. I’m the mayor of Schlong Beach. Despite my town’s name, you won’t find any “phallic symbols” here. We are fully phallic. For example, the monuments to our heroes aren’t ambiguous columns. They are massive marble boners. However, our town’s women rejected this sensibility, calling it “puerile” (whatever that means). So, they built a wall […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Happy as a Gaper Clam
I said, “Get outta my way, old man. I don’t need your rules. That’s why I’m running past your NO RUNNING sign and diving next to your NO DIVING sign. I’m a rebel and I don’t need you, old man.” At the instant my head hit the bottom of the pool, my consciousness transferred into […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Wizard Sticks
Like all wizards, my old friend Merdalf carried a long wooden staff. It was covered in markings that looked like ancient runes and mysterious maps. He found it washed up on the beach. Unfortunately, Merdalf the Wizard violated some unwritten rule of wizardry and fell into a magic bottomless pit. On calm nights, you can […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Dall’s Porpoise
My Michael beat up a motorcycle gang unnecessarily. So, I grounded him, and I’m writing his Washed Up column this month. It’s a story about a loving mommy and the precious baby she lost. Early one summer, we found a baby Dall’s porpoise (Phocoenoides dalli) washed up dead on the beach. Because my Michael is […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Hake on the Menu
As a billionaire, I’m told I should do something good for the planet. That’s B.S., of course, but I opened a sustainable seafood restaurant to make it look like I care. At the Washed-Up Seafood Galley, everything is extra-sustainable because my staff of expert beachcombers only harvests already dead or dying organisms. And there’s no […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Foam Club
My classified ad: “For $100 I’ll bring liquor and fight you at the beach.” My first client was a little skinny guy. We downed the bottle like rockstars and went bare knuckles. I regained consciousness the next morning face-down in a blob of sea foam. I pondered the sea foam while I looked for a […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Beach Goo Blues
Try this experiment: Cut yourself into two equal halves. I recommend a chainsaw for efficiency, but maybe you are good with an ax or have a bread knife handy. Now, if you did it successfully, you’ll realize that there is only one plane that separates your two essentially equal halves. The experiment works just as […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Hot Surfperch Moms
One day I found myself stuck in an elevator with a beautiful pregnant female. Just to make both of us less uncomfortable, I said, “Hey babe, I ain’t into knocked-up chicks anyway, dig?” She stared at me with her big glassy eyes and characteristically used her large pectoral fins for propulsion. For she was a […]