I was born on the beach. Actually, it was about 4 feet above the beach. My mother was a competitive beach volleyball player. She leapt for a big spike and I found myself momentarily suspended in mid-air before falling on my face in the sand. Mom screamed, “Game point!” and scooted me and my placenta […]
Mike Kelly
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Pass the Eelgrass
Pssst! Hey man, wanna smoke some eelgrass?” asked an imaginary stranger. I was like, “Why would I? And who are you, anyway?” “I represent all of your imaginary friends, relatives, lovers and pets. They want to know if eelgrass can get you high. It could be the next big thing and we’d be in on […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Wiener Dog of the Sea
Once while wading in a little cove during a beautiful sunrise, I noticed a harbor porpoise swimming surprisingly close to me. And she had a tiny baby porpoise at her side. I’m guessing she had recently given birth and was in the safety of the shallows helping Junior learn to swim. As I stood in […]
Posted inNews
The 25 Days of Crustmas
There’s big excitement in the online crustacean nerd community. Alison Young, co-director of the California Academy of Sciences’ Citizen Science Program and Humboldt State alumnus, just invented the Twitter hashtag game #25DaysofCrustmas. The rules of the game are simple. Fellow nerds post a crustacean picture and/or interesting crustacean fact each day of December up to […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Sexy, Sexy Herring
I sometimes ask myself whether I’m beautiful. It’s always a short conversation. Then I wonder what exactly “beauty” is anyway. I’m wondering about attractiveness, or “sexual beauty.” But that isn’t the only kind of beauty. For example, there are many beautiful sea creatures — beautiful even when washed up dead. And we don’t want to […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Witch/Fossil Hunt!
I apologize in advance to anyone who didn’t want to be transported to this alternate universe just now. But you can relax because the only difference between this new universe and your old one is that I was elected president of the United States in 2016. My presidency started out OK. But then someone noticed […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Octopus Moms
“Mommy, Mommy! Look what I found!” “STFU! I’m watching my GDMF shows!” “But Mommy, I found a giant octopus …” “BFD!” “But Mommy, this is a giant Pacific octopus! She died a natural death after giving everything she had to hatch her little babies!” “GTFO, you little POS!” I would go away but I can’t […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
No Disrespect
Would you like to learn how to talk to fish like I do? It’s easy. Try starting with small talk like, “Sorry about that hook in your face, buddy. How’s it goin’ otherwise?” Sometimes fish make noises or flap their fins in what could be a response. But I never understand what they’re saying. (But […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Every Agate Hunter for Themselves
I don’t usually advocate violence. But beachcombing for agates is one of my exceptions. Use the following info and tips to get an edge on the retirees and their horrible grandchildren who dominate agate collecting. You may get life in prison, but it’s worth it because agates are super cool. Most rounded beach agates formed […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
The Mink Mystery
I dumped my old imaginary friend. My new one is a woman. She’s great. You’ll meet her in a sec. She helped me solve the greatest mystery of my local beachcombing career — seven skulls of the American mink (Neovison vison) washed up together. (To that one dude reading this who knows the answer: Shut […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Studying Sammy the Crab
I can tell from comments on my previous story that space aliens read this paper. So I’m providing them with my abduction instructions here. (Pro-tip for other Chosen Ones: Clip this and save it for your aliens.) I myself regularly abduct non-human Earthlings and care for them in a laboratory setting, so I know how […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Steller Sea Lyin’
Some people hunt for meat and some people hunt for trophies — or both, or whatever. They tend to get the proper licenses, take safety classes and all of that crap. I’m not one of those hunters. I’ll kill anything, anywhere, by any means and at any time. As long as it’s the right size […]