The large sign over the archway said: “Welcome to Pillowburg Resort and Spa!” The small sign next to it said: “No Crabs Allowed.” The guard, a flabby sea slug, noticed me and said, “Oi! We don’t allow your kind. Beat it.” I was like, “Why? What did I do?” The guard said, “You are a […]
Mike Kelly
Posted inLife + Outdoors
The Nitty Gritty on Sand
During my Washed Up World Tour performance at London’s Royal Albert Hall, I wanted to hear funny accents, so I did a Q&A session. Someone asked what’s the most common thing I find washed up on the beach. I said, “Sand.” A big, ugly bastard with bad hair started to boo and others joined in. […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Gimme an Anemone
One drawback of beachcombing is the lack of cheerleaders. So, I assembled my own crew of former NFL and CFL cheerleaders who had been fired for various deviant behaviors. I said, “Welcome. Here are your pompoms. They are designed to look like the giant green sea anemone, Anthopleura xanthogrammica.” The cheerleaders waved their bright green […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Cruising for Snails
I just gave some cruise ship passengers a tour called The Humboldt Culture and Beachcombing Experience. The first question from my busload of cruisers was: “Are you serving rum punch?” I said, “No. This isn’t the Caribbean. Our first stop is the Arcata Plaza, where I encourage you to experience our culture by mingling with […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Nuttall’s Cockle Fight
I have a shady-looking new neighbor. I’m pretty sure he slashed my tires — just because we like different sports teams. He’s that kind. I’m sure he’s also the one buying liquor and pornography for the neighborhood children and teaching them to steal my mail. He’s scum and I told my friends that I’d kick […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Beach Fleas
A couple of characters approached me at my favorite beach. They were dressed in pinstripe suits and wore fedoras. The small guy said, “Hey buddy. Nice beach you got here. It would be a shame if something bad happened to it.” The much larger guy cracked his knuckles affirmatively. I said, “Something bad like what?” […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
The Elephant Seal Man
“Men, are you tired of not being noticed? Do women look right through you? Well, bull elephant seals don’t have these problems. Stay tuned to learn about the benefits of being a dominant bull!” This infomercial had my interest. But northern elephant seals (Mirounga angustirostris) are uncommon in Humboldt. I’ve only seen two small ones […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Seal Spotting and Santa
I was already sad on Christmas morning when I found Santa Claus washed up naked on the beach. At first, I thought I’d found a dead marine mammal. But then I noticed the white beard, the nose like a cherry, the bowl full of jelly belly and a surprisingly tight ass. No tiny reindeer or […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Seeing Sea Stars
My superpower is that I can fly. So I fly around identifying washed-up sea creatures for arguing beachgoers. I am called Flydentifier. For example, I once swooped in on a bickering honeymoon couple. He still wore his tuxedo and she was in her gown carrying her fancy shoes. He said, “It’s a goddamn STARFISH!” And […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Salty over Sea Pickles
Captain Brunch, the saltiest of our local old salts, agreed to take me on a sea pickle expedition. But first, he sized me up with his one good eye and said, “Aye, lad, do ye have the guts to face the treacherous sea pickle, yar?” I explained I get a little seasick but wasn’t concerned […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
An Ugly Clam by Any Other Name
My buddy Castration Jones is here to judge whether the northwest ugly clam (Entodesma navicula) is poorly named. You may recall that previously, Mr. Jones, who is an authority on poorly named animals, demonstrated that the soupfin shark is poorly named. “Welcome back, Castration.” “Thanks, Mike. First, I checked and can confirm this creature’s globally […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Purple Urchin Profits
As you may know, due largely to the loss of its primary predator to sea star wasting disease, the population of purple urchins ( Strongylocentrotus purpuratus) has exploded along the California coast. These urchins are eating enough algae to seriously impact the kelp forest ecosystem. So, I ordered the Washed Up LLC branch chiefs to […]