Who doesn’t love a baby shower, sitting around with a bunch of ladies playing guess the baby food flavor and griping about who came up with the idea to name their son Carbon first? But these days, as our bodily sovereignty is dwindling faster than a flat pitcher of mimosas in a room full of […]
Seriously?
Posted inLetters + Opinion
The Cat Would Like You to Stop Being So Divisive
Well, well, well. Once again, I reach out to you and I’m met with verbal abuse, blame and violence. It’s like I can’t even extend a paw and drag a single litter-dusted claw along the vein of your forearm without hysterics over “a deep gash,” “arteries” and what might get “infected.” I see your arm […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
How to Run Your Life Like a Public Meeting
Good evening, everyone, and thank you for joining us, well, me. We have a very full agenda tonight and I’d like to end by 9 p.m. so I can clear the chambers and watch a show about gentle British people baking elaborate desserts without a running commentary for once. In our report out of closed […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
What’s to Blame for Mass Shootings?
The recent mass shootings have been deeply painful for all of us, and by “all of us” I mean gun manufacturers, lobbyists and our staunch allies in government. Even without the burden of a human soul, it’s exhausting fielding questions about whether the endless stream of tragedies in America is somehow linked to the flood […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Trashfire Girls
Welcome, parents, to tonight’s Trashfire Girls open house! Please, help yourself to juice and cookies, and once you’re settled you can open the brochure on your seat. We’re fetching some more folding chairs for those of you standing in the back. I guess that leaked U.S. Supreme Court opinion on Roe v Wade is going […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
The Cat Speaks Out Against Cancel Culture
I have endured this campaign of bullying in silence for as long as I can. But someone has to take a stand against the censorship, blackballing and overall mistreatment I have been subjected to since being canceled. Listen, this is pretty important, so if you could hurry up and finish scooping my litterbox, I’m going […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Cannabis Strains for 2022
Diesel Diesel. Now that gas prices have you buying a shotglass of fuel at a time, the petroleum fragrance of the exponentially intensified terpenes of this inbred plant will hit like pricey perfume. Let it take you back to simpler times when you could bitch about the price of gas without feeling guilty for complaining […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Vaccine Marketing Meeting
Thanks for jumping in on this Zoom meeting. As you all know from the 16 meetings it took to get to this meeting, consulting on increasing vaccine uptake in the face of disinformation, conspiracy theories and general quackery is a plum gig for us. So keep in mind this is a brainstorming session and there […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Cocktails to Toast the End of 2021
It’s not a great year for hitting the party circuit on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean you can’t see 2021 out with fancy cocktails. Try your hand at timely mixology with libations inspired by the year we’ve had. It’s been a doozy so be warned, they’re strong. Cheers! The Stolen Election Ingredients: 1 […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Dead Blonde
“You found me!” He did not look happy to have found me, which I thought was strange. He was looking for me, wasn’t he? Isn’t that why he was here, in the brushy highway median, with a shovel in one hand and a USB microphone in the other? Wasn’t searching for my body the point […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Nobody Wants to Hench Anymore
Like a lot of business owners, the pandemic forced me to put projects on hold. People weren’t traveling to the kinds of international tourist attractions I typically obliterate with a giant laser and they weren’t going to fancy galas I could flood with mind-control gas. If I’d seen the toilet paper hoarding coming, I could […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Welcome Back to Book Club
Greetings, everyone! I know I said hosting book club would have to wait for our local case numbers to drop and vaccination rates to go up, but now that Scott and I have become desensitized to seeing daily national death tolls in the thousands, we figure we’re ready to put out some baked brie and […]