After a lifetime of strangers scurrying from my path, coworkers asking if I’m angry with them and people looking back at me with a panicked “What?” I accepted my diagnosis. I have what medical professionals call severe chronic resting bitchface. My features naturally relax into a scowl somewhere between judgy stone statue and pre-strike hooded […]
Seriously?
Posted inLetters + Opinion
The Right Time to Come Forward with Your Sexual Assault
So you’ve been on the receiving end of unwanted sexual contact — what the U.S. Bureau of Justice defines as sexual assault. The Centers for Disease Control estimates you’re joined by one in three women and one in six men who experience sexual violence in their lifetimes. Frankly, those CDC numbers sound a little crazy. […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Facebook Update
Hello. Mark Zuckerberg here with a few announcements about our Facebook community. Call me Mark, though. Many humans call me Mark. Just kidding. About the humans. It’s been a challenging year and if I’ve learned anything from testifying before Congress about fake news, Russian interference in our presidential election and the harvesting of personal data […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
The Cat Would Like to Open a Dialogue
Let me start by saying I am here to listen and this is a safe space. I want you to know that and feel comfortable. Maybe you could start by explaining exactly what your problem is. I hope it’s cool if I keep one back leg extended straight up toward the ceiling while we talk. […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Realistic Sex Robots to Save Us All
The Southern Poverty Law Center has categorized “incels,” involuntarily celibate men who share and promote a virulently misogynist and violent ideology, as a male supremacist hate group. Self-proclaimed members of this largely online community escalated to terrorist violence in Isla Vista, California, in 2014 with a mass shooting, and last month in Toronto, Canada, when […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Breakup Letter from President McKinley’s Statue
Dear Arcata, I didn’t want to do this by letter but I know if I try to get this all out in person, I’ll freeze up. We’ve had a good run together — a century! — and I just think it’s time to move on. For a while now I’ve felt — what’s the word? […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Good Guy with a Howitzer
Dear President Trump: I have been retired for more than 15 years and I need a hobby. I thought about trout fishing or bird watching, but they are too benign. Although I’ve never owned a gun, I want one. Not just any gun. I want a tank. A heavily armored, self-propelled combat vehicle armed with […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
New Cannabis Strains for Today’s Stress
Jefferson Beauregard Express. With a mellow cornbread, Brill Cream and Klansman hood scent, this Indica offspring of Reefer Madness and Jim Crow rolls up on you like a black SUV full of federal agents and shuts down your anxiety about Jeff Sessions overriding California’s cannabis legalization and seizing the very product that you were counting […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Book Club Emergency Meeting
Everybody comfortable? Anyone need a cushion or a refill? OK. I’ve called this book club meeting tonight to discuss some tension that’s arisen since we embarked on this new inclusive reading list. I’ll just say it: Some of you have questioned whether Todd is a racist and, if so, whether we should continue meeting at […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
I Sent an Email with a Period Instead of an Exclamation Mark and Everyone Died
This happened at my former employer and only now, years later, do I feel like I can speak about it. I’m not making excuses and I still take full responsibility for what happened, but it’s important that you know we truly were out of paperclips. “Ken,” I typed in an email to our supply manager, […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
A Men’s Guide to Surviving a Sexual Harassment Witch Hunt
It was a surprise when the tidal wave of sexual harassment and assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Bill O’Reilly, James Toback, Mark Halperin, Donald Trump, Roger Ailes, John Besh, Kevin Spacey, that guy from Amazon, holy shit, that other guy from NPR and Dustin Hoffman — there are more but they’re starting to blur together […]