Here’s a tip for you drugmongers out there: Let’s say you and your man-friend, who happens to be a convicted felon (sexy!), are
hotboxing
it in a casino parking lot, enjoying some well-earned r & r after a grueling day of meth-peddling. We’ve all been there. And we all know that, on days like this, it’s just a pain in the ass (especially in Willits) to find a safe, out-of-the-way spot to stash your 30-odd grams of meth, your loaded weapons and that beautiful, hard-earned wad of cash money, which — who knows? — may have a hot date with the blackjack table inside.
“Hell,” you say to yourself. “I’m a friggin criminal. This is the lifestyle I’ve chosen. Blowing this ganja smoke out my cracked car window is reckless — you bet your ass it is. But it’s also a statement. It says, ‘Hey, Sally Housemaker, while you’re at home baking snickerdoodles for the rugrats and watching Olympic ice dancing on NBC, I’m out here livin’ on the edge.'”
Right on, sister. But let’s say mean old Lieutenant Rusty of the Mendocino County Sheriff’s office comes snooping around and catches a lungful of your societal rebellion. What to tell him? I know what you’re thinking. Time to whip out that time-honored, foolproof escape mechanism passed down by generations of fruitful American drug dealers: Give him fake names.
Fine. But tread carefully, folks. Which brings us to today’s tip, brought to you by the Santa Rosa
Press-Democrat
, with a hat-tip to Brenda Wright, 25, of McKinleyville, and Jeremy Cringle, 32, of Arcata: When you find yourself in this pickle, try to avoid impersonating people from your own social circle. Because, sadly, there’s a pretty good chance they too are wanted by Lt. Rusty.
(An aside to the
P-D
‘s Randi Rossman: Arcata and McKinleyville are
not
in Mendocino County, thankyouverymuch.)
This article appears in Titlow Hill Blues.
Hah! Beautifully written Ryan, and hilarious too!
Sitting here, grinning from ear to ear. I do enjoy your pieces, Ryan. (Although, the word choice of Icky in the title of yesterday’s post has left an unpleasant image smudged across my mind.)
Sorry, Kym. Is "grody" better?
Too funny! Thanks for the laugh, Ryan.
Oh my God, I should have stuck with Icky. Now I’m scarred for life.
Wow, Ryan, that’s majestic. With this one item you’ve seriously raised the bar on the whole funny crime-writing thing.
Hey now Ryan, don’t harsh on Randi for tagging the two as Mendocino County residents. Lowly reporters don’t always write the headlines.
Do harsh on Randi for identifying these two as a couple in the body of the story. At no point are they identified as boyfriend-girlfriend or married, so it seems like a leap to imply an intimate relationship. Maybe they are happy just being friends.
I wish my cartoons were this funny.
Kevin, you’re far too modest. You, sir, are the master. Thanks, though.
Well written Mr. Burns. And you should know, I just dribbled beer on my shirt after laughing hard at your damn hilarious writing. Thanks man, you owe me a shirt.
That was really funny! Thank you for that laugh, Ryan. I love seeing tweekers busted.
But why the ganja leaves on the busted update? Ganja is practically legal…
A little FYI, before you start making fun of people, you should think long & hard at what your doing. Poking fun at someone else’s misfortune is immature; especially doing it in a way that makes you look royale. Regardless of the incident, the media should report the story of fact, and not create a humor column. Tasteless!