The DJ said, “It’s the top of the goddam hour and you’re listening to sea cucumber radio. Nothing but rock! Request lines are open.” So, I called and said, “Did you say, ‘sea cucumber,’ and are you allowed to say ‘goddam,’ on the air?” “Yes and yes. We are the country’s only station owned and […]
Washed Up
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Beach Goo Blues
Try this experiment: Cut yourself into two equal halves. I recommend a chainsaw for efficiency, but maybe you are good with an ax or have a bread knife handy. Now, if you did it successfully, you’ll realize that there is only one plane that separates your two essentially equal halves. The experiment works just as […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Hot Surfperch Moms
One day I found myself stuck in an elevator with a beautiful pregnant female. Just to make both of us less uncomfortable, I said, “Hey babe, I ain’t into knocked-up chicks anyway, dig?” She stared at me with her big glassy eyes and characteristically used her large pectoral fins for propulsion. For she was a […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
No Crabs Allowed
The large sign over the archway said: “Welcome to Pillowburg Resort and Spa!” The small sign next to it said: “No Crabs Allowed.” The guard, a flabby sea slug, noticed me and said, “Oi! We don’t allow your kind. Beat it.” I was like, “Why? What did I do?” The guard said, “You are a […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
The Nitty Gritty on Sand
During my Washed Up World Tour performance at London’s Royal Albert Hall, I wanted to hear funny accents, so I did a Q&A session. Someone asked what’s the most common thing I find washed up on the beach. I said, “Sand.” A big, ugly bastard with bad hair started to boo and others joined in. […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Gimme an Anemone
One drawback of beachcombing is the lack of cheerleaders. So, I assembled my own crew of former NFL and CFL cheerleaders who had been fired for various deviant behaviors. I said, “Welcome. Here are your pompoms. They are designed to look like the giant green sea anemone, Anthopleura xanthogrammica.” The cheerleaders waved their bright green […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Cruising for Snails
I just gave some cruise ship passengers a tour called The Humboldt Culture and Beachcombing Experience. The first question from my busload of cruisers was: “Are you serving rum punch?” I said, “No. This isn’t the Caribbean. Our first stop is the Arcata Plaza, where I encourage you to experience our culture by mingling with […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Nuttall’s Cockle Fight
I have a shady-looking new neighbor. I’m pretty sure he slashed my tires — just because we like different sports teams. He’s that kind. I’m sure he’s also the one buying liquor and pornography for the neighborhood children and teaching them to steal my mail. He’s scum and I told my friends that I’d kick […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Beach Fleas
A couple of characters approached me at my favorite beach. They were dressed in pinstripe suits and wore fedoras. The small guy said, “Hey buddy. Nice beach you got here. It would be a shame if something bad happened to it.” The much larger guy cracked his knuckles affirmatively. I said, “Something bad like what?” […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
The Elephant Seal Man
“Men, are you tired of not being noticed? Do women look right through you? Well, bull elephant seals don’t have these problems. Stay tuned to learn about the benefits of being a dominant bull!” This infomercial had my interest. But northern elephant seals (Mirounga angustirostris) are uncommon in Humboldt. I’ve only seen two small ones […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Seal Spotting and Santa
I was already sad on Christmas morning when I found Santa Claus washed up naked on the beach. At first, I thought I’d found a dead marine mammal. But then I noticed the white beard, the nose like a cherry, the bowl full of jelly belly and a surprisingly tight ass. No tiny reindeer or […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Seeing Sea Stars
My superpower is that I can fly. So I fly around identifying washed-up sea creatures for arguing beachgoers. I am called Flydentifier. For example, I once swooped in on a bickering honeymoon couple. He still wore his tuxedo and she was in her gown carrying her fancy shoes. He said, “It’s a goddamn STARFISH!” And […]