I was walking along Humboldt Bay when I heard, “Psst. Hey!” A Lewis’s moon snail (Neverita lewisii) was calling me from a shallow pool in the tidal mudflat. The snail said, “I want to enter the big baking contest. But those jerk-offs will never let a snail win. So, can you pose as me? Plus, […]
Washed Up
Posted inWashed Up
Mass Wash-ups
Back when I worked for the Feds, a major non-NATO ally of the United States gifted me a luxury research submarine. While decorating the sub’s interior with golden filigree at taxpayer expense, we discovered a clandestine surveillance system. So, I wired in a video player to show the foreign spies daily episodes of the popular […]
Posted inWashed Up
Magical Comb Jellies
When I was a kid, my babysitter was a witch. She was a typical pointy-hatted, spell-casting witch. But she was also a marine biology major at Humboldt State University, so she’d take me on her broom to the beach after school to look for washed-up stuff. One day she said, “Look, my lovely, the beach […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Topsnail House Makeover
All the houses in my 1980s-built neighborhood were painted in just a few dull repetitive colors. They are essentially all the same. But I dream of living in a neighborhood with a full spectrum of vibrant colors in every combination. So, I did something about it by painting my house using the color palette of […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Don’t Eat the Sand Turkey
A mysterious man sold me an elixir he said would make my stringy beard as thick and silky as an otter’s pelt. However, he did not mention the side effects. I drank the stuff and went for my regular beach walk. It wasn’t the hallucinations that produced a perfectly roasted Thanksgiving turkey on the beach […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Purple Jellies of Doom
Hi there. I’m a stranger from the future here to beg you to stop reading these Washed Up stories. The asshole who writes them made a vast fortune by bilking his readers. Then he became another one of those tedious billionaires who buy their way into political power and do a bunch of stupid stuff. […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Sea Nettle Babymaking
A local grocery store was overstocked, so they had a big sale. When I arrived, the place was packed with people having sex and grabbing groceries. People were even rolling around in shopping carts having sex and stuffing groceries in with them. Things I won’t describe were happening in the produce section. And there were […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Moon Jellies for Breakfast
We at Washed-up Foods Inc. are preparing to launch our first breakfast cereal. It’s called Sugar Frosted Moon Flakes. It’s made from our local moon jelly (Aurelia aurita), one of the jellyfish species harvested for human consumption. Dried jellies are used in several Asian cuisines, and are high in protein and low in fat, but […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Salp Cycle
My neighbors were having another loud argument. This time she was chanting “vagina” in his face, and he was chanting “penis” at her. I didn’t understand their logic, but the dispute reminded me of a commonly washed-up animal called the vagina salp (Thetyes vagina). People who are perhaps vagina-squeamish call it the giant salp or […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Olive Snail Fail
I was bitten by a radioactive rat, which gave me the superpower of transforming myself from a 225-pound man into 225 1-pound rats. I’m not interested in fighting evil or rescuing people from danger. I’m just interested in beachcombing. And it occurred to me that 225 rats could comb a lot more beach than one […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
Washed Up Love
I’ve noticed less love on Humboldt County’s beaches than on beaches elsewhere. And I think I have some ideas about why. But our beaches do become home to some of the love people make. Some of this love is toxic. And some love entangles, chokes and smothers. But some love is fun! Fun love is […]
Posted inLife + Outdoors
The Parchment Worm Turns
Flydentifier: “What’s going on guys? It’s your pal Flydentifier with another livestream during which I’ll fly around helping perplexed beachgoers identify washed-up things. I’m now hovering in front of our first customer.” Surfperch Angler: “What the hell …?” Flydentifier: “Ahoy, honorable surfperch angler! You have found a cluster of still-living parchment worms, which is a […]