It was a surprise when the tidal wave of sexual harassment and assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Bill O’Reilly, James Toback, Mark Halperin, Donald Trump, Roger Ailes, John Besh, Kevin Spacey, that guy from Amazon, holy shit, that other guy from NPR and Dustin Hoffman — there are more but they’re starting to blur together into one grabby mass — resulted in not just a brief news cycle of pearl clutching but the radical rethinking of American society. Overnight we were prioritizing women’s safety and well-being over men’s God-given rights to casual sexism, predatory behavior and semi-nude massages at the office. Frankly, nobody saw it coming.
This new obsession with treating women like people can be confusing, especially for those who looked to Mad Men as an aspirational HR training video. So here are some tips to help men navigate office interactions now that they’ve found themselves just one unwelcome elevator fondling away from career disaster. If that’s not a witch hunt atmosphere — just like when powerful men whipped up mobs, hanging, torturing and burning mostly women — then what is?
Luckily, some of the same survival techniques that women have relied on to avoid being sexually harassed might be good fits for male filmmakers, CEOs, chefs — any men, really, who have to work with crazy women liable to cry harassment at your friendly banter or when you innocently force a colleague to watch you handle your junk.
Not going to sugarcoat it, fellas: Avoiding a sexual harassment witch hunt is going to be stressful. Take it from the ladies who’ve been swerving away from your lingering hip-to-shoulder hugs for generations, you’ll need to maintain a constant and exhausting vigilance. On the bright side, scanning for danger and dissecting your every move will eventually become tragically natural.
First rule: Stay alert … but upbeat! Look up from her rack for a second — is she scowling? Not good. Even a so-called “good woman” who seemed totally reasonable a moment ago can unexpectedly flip out over a couple of unsolicited dick pics. Defuse the situation by smiling and laughing off any uncomfortable witch-hunt-y comments like, “Put some goddamn pants on,” or, “What are you doing in my apartment?” Then get out of there.
It’s been suggested that companies ban closed-door meetings with women or simply cover female employees with business casual drop cloths. But their problematic body parts are still dangerously within lurching distance. Instead, conduct meetings through a cracked door or in a buggy with an Amish chaperone seated between you. Look at Mike Pence, who doesn’t have any of those D.C. power meals alone with women. Just like hanging onto the shellacked loaf of bread from his engagement picnic, it’s totally normal. You can also avoid the air of unsupervised intimacy by bringing along a hand puppet or, if your briefcase allows, a ventriloquist’s dummy. (You’ll want to establish this puppet as a cis-hetero male so it’s not weird.)
Try as we might to dress “modestly” or actually blend in with the office walls and furniture to avoid unwanted attention, changing the way we dress has never guaranteed any safety for women. However, for men staving off would-be witch hunters, wardrobe changes can be helpful. Whenever possible, avoid attending meetings in your bathrobe or, you know, naked. If you feel the need to lay low after leaving your colleague a few drunken, obscenity-filled voicemails, go to the office disguised as a filing cabinet or a potted plant for a few days. Just keep your head on a swivel if you go with the plant option.
Women have always had to weigh with whom we’re safe, re-evaluating if alcohol is involved, and you should follow suit. Don’t expect a woman who supports pro-man causes like reclining chairs or Woody Allen movies to be a safe harbor. She might still fuss when you email her porn or mount her leg in the breakroom. Even a fellow man may break the sacred locker-room code and stand idle during witch-hunt activity or narc on you like a Salem stool pigeon, though it’s extremely rare. Way to stick together, guys! Still, if referring to a female coworker with a descriptive noun and a body part instead of her name doesn’t get a high five, watch your back.
If you feel you’re being targeted in a witch hunt, think before you act. We ladies have learned the backlash can be — wow — really something, with equal numbers of people calling you a liar or attacking you for not speaking out sooner. Ask yourself these maddening questions first: Are you overreacting? Will you look crazy? Be labeled “difficult?” Do you really want to hurt some woman with a family that depends on her over one mistake? Think about her children.
If there’s one thing we women have learned, it’s that you can never second-guess yourself too much. Was that really a witch hunt? Because plenty of men at your office have worked with her and never had a problem. Are you sure that’s an actual angry mob dragging you from your home and stacking logs for your immolation, and not a historical re-enactment? Maybe you’re just being hypersensitive. Look at Brad tied to that pyre over there. Brad isn’t complaining. Brad’s a team player.
Theoretically, you could simply avoid groping, coercing and assaulting coworkers. But let’s be realistic. Maybe, unlike women, you haven’t cultivated the elephantine skin you need to do your job with a target on your back. Maybe this witch-hunt climate is too much for you. As Donald Trump Jr. once said, “If you can’t handle some of the basic stuff that’s become a problem in the workforce today, then you don’t belong in the workforce. Like you should go maybe teach kindergarten.” Then again, kindergarten teachers probably won’t put up with your repulsive, entitled bullshit, either.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill is the Journal’s arts and features editor. Reach her at 442-1400, extension 320, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Twitter @JFumikoCahill.
Got a humorous take or tale to share? Then the North Coast Journal wants to hear from you. Contact us at editor@northcoastjournal.com to pitch your column ideas.
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This article appears in The Journey of Radioman.
Ms. Jenniifer,
In my experience, sexual misconduct in the workplace is not as dicey as what we are seeing on the news.
Without getting into details or providing evidence to support my views, I’ve come to the conclusion that often those accusing others of misconduct have contributed in many ways to the very conduct that they are complaining about.
A friend in HR describes a case in which a young lady wore a loudly colorful spring shirt to work for a meeting. People were used to seeing each other in uniform. One male co-worker eyed her up and down when she arrived and remarked “Hell yeah”. She giggled and went on about her way. Shortly thereafter another co-worker who was middle aged, overweight, and known for not being a people person said something more direct to her. He said that her dress was very pretty or something along that line. She actually filed a complaint about him saying that. Even though HR concluded that the man had done nothing wrong, he was still faced with the ridicule of having to prove that.
Over the years I have had 3 women make complaints about me. Two I was able to show without a doubt that the complaints were fabricated. The one, my first, was a lose-lose situation. A woman complained that I had touched her breast. It was in training for a medical device and I am certain at some point I did. It was part of the process. It certainly wasn’t intentional from a sexual perspective. I didn’t like the women and her breasts were more like utters than breasts. Not something I am attracted to. Her complaint placed me in a situation where I had to prove her wrong. I of course couldn’t prove my intent was not sexual or deliberate. She was better connected politically in the workplace than I so who do you think got the dirty looks and comments?
There is a lot of potential good that can come from these men in the news getting outed. But the risk of this turning into a witch hunt is very real and shouldn’t be dismissed.
In regard to your comment: “In my experience, sexual misconduct in the workplace is not as dicey as what we are seeing on the news. Without getting into details or providing evidence to support my views, I’ve come to the conclusion that often those accusing others of misconduct have contributed in many ways to the very conduct that they are complaining about.”
I’ll give your third-hand, anonymous anecdote and your personal story proper weight as far as your experience of sexual harassment.
But when it comes to the breadth and depth of the problem, I will put my trust in this Equal Employment Opportunity Commission report https://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/task_force/haras… and the first-hand accounts of unambiguous harassment and assault from every single woman I know and trust, myself included.
This may be my favorite thing you’ve ever written. My husband and I were just discussing this issue this morning. In light of a self – professed sexual assaulter squattting in the white house, women are more pissed and more vocal and unwilling to remain silent and complacent any more. #metoo
The fact that EliH has to describe the breasts of the woman in his story as “more like utters (sic)” as “evidence” of his inability to be attracted to her, therefore rendering her claim an impossibility, is proof of someone that does NOT get the big picture here.
EliH should change his user ID to “Exhibit A” #metoo
Going into this article I was appreciative that a writer of Jennifer’s caliber was addressing a significant, less than pleasant and distinctly unpopular facet of the ongoing harassment issue – and by ongoing I mean hundreds of years: Honest, considerate and well mannered males have to endure the climate created by their boorish co-workers, which is fostered in the women’s experience that the rest of us wish to share in trust and good standing. We don’t notice the good drivers on the road, and they don’t make titillating press. Harassment is real, the palpable fear and anger it creates is real, and well-behaved men have to navigate through it to effect a good work climate, let alone before broaching any personal conversation. We walk on eggshells. We can’t, nor should, complain about it. It takes careful consideration, always. It is a form of surrendering, and we acknowledge it as the work we do. Jennifer’s article was not about that, but sadly plucking the safe, low hanging fruit of bashing horrible behavior and not really supporting the majority of men who actually hold the line.
Christopher Boyle, thats a great not all men critique of this article, but sadly you missed the point.
I understand your desperate need to defend men, being one yourself, but wouldnt your energy be better served addressing the men you know and interact with, instead of further talking down to women who actually experience this on a regular basis?
Statistically, 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in this country….. Thats a lot of low hanging fruit, huh?
This is great writing
Avoid women at work. You will be 50% more productive and the 3% of serious professional women will be the no nonsense type you will never have a problem with anyway.
A logical professional woman that hasn’t made her career a half assed joke having kids is a rarity. If your female and this offends you then you know it’s true.
I am a cisgendered male and I 200% agree with this without a single caveat!
Not asking for a cookie. Just sayin YES.
Hey, I got 10 likes. Not bad for considering the audience. Better than I expected:)
@LizzieH. Why would I want to have any sexual contact with a woman I found to be physically and personally repulsive? Use some logic.
@Jennifer: My point is that this issue is NOT a clear black and white issue. There is no switch for when behavior is improper. The totality of circumstances must be considered. In my 3rd hand account for instance, taken by itself the EEOC would say the comment was improper. But placed in a broader scale, it might not have been.
I think we’re all seeing that women are subjected to improper behavior by men in power. No real news there, just shining light on a quasi open secret. My concern is that this will spiral into a witch hunt. How many day care workers from the 80’s are still in prison after that round of witch hunts?
I am all for people being treated properly in the workplace, regardless of gender. I am a little concerned that without some caution, many men with face unjust hardships in the years to come.
Well, I felt no need to read through this piece, as I have treated the women I worked with throughout my life with integrity, focusing on productivity instead of all the other bullshit that can take place in the office – that bs being a byproduct of male and female alike. And, while this national discussion is perhaps long overdue, I wonder when a fevered discussion about the 30,000 kids who die of starvation everyday, or the many innocents dying right now in Yemen or Myanmar, or the hundreds of thousands of young women being sold into sexual slavery, will take place. It seems par for the course for Americans to get caught up in the next new discussion while the systemic rot continues unabated.
Well done
Me? I have always had strong willed, intelligent women in my world. I look at that approximately 3″ square starts at the center of the nose goes around the eyebrows and ends on the tips of the nose. That’s who you dealing with.
I don’t have a pocket mirror and then extra VO5 in the bathroom at work. …
What?!!!
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There 7.5 Billion people on the planet and over half are women. And i am going to waste my life on some policy wonk with residual anger issues at work????? Who obviously is about as interesting and ordinary as a piece of Basalt on the Eel river.
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I can find someone other than those I work with, or trade with whom might actually want to entertain me.
School, Public Transportation, Work, Stores, Housing
It’s all the same.
There is a giant Crevasse on 1 side and hungry saltwater Crocs on the other. Man has to toe the line stay his course.
Women have to learn how men have to obey laws and conform to them if they want social interaction. As 1 word taken out of context …
Inge Berge,
We dont allow personal attacks in our comments section so I’ve taken yours down. However, the fact that you read this thoughtful critique of the culture that exists around sexual harassment and could only respond by launching a vile, sexist insult at the intelligent, talented writer who authored it says volumes about the need for this type of writing and the courage necessary for women to publish it. In that vein, thanks for contributing. But in the future, please keep your sophomoric, chauvinist insults to yourself. They have no place here.
Inge Berge, I wrote the original post challenging the premise for this article. With that being said (written), I agree with every single word that Thadeus Greenson wrote in explaining why your comment was deleted!
“Well, I felt no need to read through this piece, as I have treated the women I
worked with throughout my life with integrity,…”
Lets talk again after your trip trough the sexual harassment meat-grinder…8)
As a man you are GUILTY until innocent…. Even if the charges are thrown out
your reputation and career is destroyed.
Don’t comment personal attacks and really harassment on women is again very common issues and a huge topic. At 90’s it is much more on high in the air. always women get go wrong but at present things changed. Women have rights and more rules against the women harassment. for more info o facing Yahoo, issues go on https://yahoo.techsupportphonenumber.co/“> Contact Yahoo . Thanks
Don’t comment personal attacks and really harassment on women is again very common issues and a huge topic. At 90’s it is much more on high in the air. always women get go wrong but at present things changed. Women have rights and more rules against the women harassment. for more info o facing Yahoo, issues go on https://yahoo.techsupportphonenumber.co