On the Table

“Slow down,” she whisperednow guiding my trembling hands“Turn the key slowly.” Pink tender morselGlistening with salty gelWhat the hell is it? Pink beefy temptressI can no longer remainVegetarian (SPAM haiku collected by Keola Beamer, songwriter and slack-key guitarist)     SPAM, like Coca-Cola, is a uniquely American food. Like Coke, it has a kind of […]

Humboldt County, the power is in your hands. Last week, the Journal posted its categories for our definitive annual reader’s poll, the results of which will be revealed in our asskicking Sept. 2 “Best Of” edition. Reputations are on the line. Winners will gloat. Losers will fade into obscurity… or something. To keep it Humboldty […]

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!             “Spam Song” – from the Monty Python Spam sketch   In 1986 I was given a menu from Mr. Whitekeys’ Fly By Nite Club, a memento from someone who’d […]

Now is the season of chard. And kale, and beet greens and other tough leafy greens that you planted optimistically a few months ago, thinking, “This will be the year I healthfully gag down mountains of green organic fibrous leaf, thereby cleaning my system and giving my skin the glow of both health and smuggery!” […]

HOLY SMOKES I AM SO EXCITED. At long last, a small but profound earthquake has shaken up the candy world, which lo these many years has been mired in increasingly desperate combinations of chocolate and peanut butter. Now don’t get me wrong — I’m a red-blooded American. No one can accuse me of not supporting […]

Oh, strawberries. As the opening day of the Farmers’ Market in Arcata approached in April, so did my anticipation of the first local strawberries of the season. How delicious this time of year can be after a dark, cold winter. Bright red, delicate and sweet, what better way to hail the time of warmth? As […]

Bien Padre — The hip Mexican brand name surprised me when I first saw it years ago. I wondered if the owners of the company knew what it meant — but more on that later. Let’s review the chips: Most of us on the North Coast are familiar with the industrial-sized corn chips from Bien […]

Fare una frittata in Italian means, literally, “to make a frittata” — a dish of lightly beaten eggs (to which vegetables or other ingredients are often added) cooked in a skillet. Fare una frittata also means, figuratively, “to make a mess,” as when you drop an egg on the floor. Whenever my mother sent me […]

Oysters, oysters and more oysters. That’s what you’ll find on the Arcata Plaza Saturday — along with oyster eaters galore — as Arcata Main Street presents their 20th Annual Oyster Festival. They’ll have dozens of restaurants and local chefs preparing bivalves in all sorts of ways: grilled, fried and raw, supplemented with who knows what […]

Salad at our house in the 1950s was iceberg lettuce with bottled “French dressing.” Seasonally, tomato wedges were added. On special occasions we slathered on Thousand Island dressing, an awful-but-addictive concoction of mayonnaise, catsup and sweet pickle relish, a highlight of childhood memories of vegetables. Mine was the age of Betty Crocker mixes and frozen […]

I want to marry pork. The crisped, buttery edge of a seared chop is the epicurean equivalent to a money shot; you can’t get more delicious. My esteemed colleague Joseph Byrd wrote a series of articles in this paper pointing out the cultivated leanness and resulting tastelessness of supermarket pork, which is damned not only […]

A couple of years ago, in a column called "Secret Ingredients," I wrote of the crowning touch to my baked macaroni and cheese, revealed to me by Gus, chef of the late Crest House in Culver City: After it has baked, before heating and serving, over the top of the casserole you place slices of […]