Welcome all! Thank you for joining me in my secret underwater bubble retreat overlooking the Mariana Trench. Please make yourselves comfortable — I only ask that you not tap on the glass. I think I speak for us all when I say the time for climate denial is over. It was a good run. Rupert, you […]
satire
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Is Zopissa Right for You?
Always take Zopissa as directed. Like the people in this ad, while laughing in a park with a non-threateningly diverse group of friends in colorful clothing. Or in full makeup with a glass of water in your sunny, spotless kitchen as you smile mysteriously at a cabinet. What’s in the cabinet? That’s your strange and […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Tales from the CryptTok
Timestamp: Sept. 20, 2023 Location: Trinidad, CA Hey Grave Babies, it’s me, Shyla, your favorite tomb raider! I know it’s been a few weeks since I posted but I’ve been busy with a big surprise for you all! Remember how I told you St. Louis has some of the best archeo-foraging sites of all time? […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Zoo Animal Council Meeting Minutes
On April 22, the Ferndale City Council voted against a proposed kindness resolution, the scaled back version of an earlier anti-hate resolution. Giraffe: The next item is the proposed Anti-Shit-Throwing Resolution. This is unrelated to the incident by the ice cream cart and not intended to assign blame. Its authors, some of whom reside within […]
Posted inNews
NCJ Preview: Drag, Birdmobiles and Sketchy Seafood
This week we’re looking at why family-friendly drag show performers take the stage despite the intensifying backlash. We also talked to law enforcement about the supposed risk to kids — turns out we’ve got high rates of abuse in Humboldt but it doesn’t appear to be coming from drag shows. Later, a birder confesses to […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
An Invitation from All-Alpha Pack Coaching
Being an Alpha male was simpler when early Homo sapiens man threw on an animal skin, grabbed a cool club and hunted for survival. He had one skin, maybe like, two. And women responded to him — the hot ones who’d already developed two distinct eyebrows. The modern world is complicated. With limitless options, can […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Wishful Weed Strains for 2023
Weed Who Must Not Be Named. Who knew we’d need a Patronus against J.K. Rowling? Here to aid you in the defense against dark transphobes is a Potions Master’s concoction of three magical strains: TERF War, Neville Bongbottom and Strawberry Snape. Soon hateful takes, like those of a children’s author turned fascist cheerleader, will fizz […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
The Elf on the Shelf is Begging You Not to Put Him Out This Year
That time of year already? Ha, seems like only yesterday you stuffed me in here with the Christmas stockings. Not that I mind! In fact, if I’m totally honest, by the end of the first week on display, I’m praying for the oblivion of the bottom of the decoration tub, buried under layers of suffocating […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
New Starbucks Holiday Drinks
With our iconic Pumpkin Spice Latte and Peppermint Mocha, Starbucks owns the holiday beverage, but you can’t rest on your laurels in this business. That means our team is constantly brainstorming new specialty beverages and cup designs. Ha! Didn’t see cup design being so controversial during the holidays, but here we are! We’ve strip-mined the […]
Posted inNews
NCJ Preview: Climate Change, Elections, Bears and Facts
This week we’re breaking down the dire news from the COP27 climate conference, as well as how county and city elections shook out — and in some cases are still shaking out. We’ll also give keeping bears out of the trash a shot and look into a new play at Redwood Curtain Theatre, “The Lifespan […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
Tips for Throwing a Forced Birth Shower®
Who doesn’t love a baby shower, sitting around with a bunch of ladies playing guess the baby food flavor and griping about who came up with the idea to name their son Carbon first? But these days, as our bodily sovereignty is dwindling faster than a flat pitcher of mimosas in a room full of […]
Posted inLetters + Opinion
The Cat Speaks Out Against Cancel Culture
I have endured this campaign of bullying in silence for as long as I can. But someone has to take a stand against the censorship, blackballing and overall mistreatment I have been subjected to since being canceled. Listen, this is pretty important, so if you could hurry up and finish scooping my litterbox, I’m going […]