If Freud had a psychotherapy practice in Ferndale — that is if he could get one — he might notice how fixated the town folk are on their very tall, living Christmas tree. He might think nothing of it. After all, sometimes a Christmas tree is just a Christmas tree. But then again, Ferndale has proved that it has issues with its sexuality. Therefore, Freud might point out that the town’s centerpiece — the mammoth spruce at the end of Main, illuminated in the month of December — is more than meets the eye.
Beyond its phallic significance, it may also — as noted in a previous post — not actually be America’s tallest. Nonetheless, to date, it has been reported as such in the
Journal
(by me, admittedly), the
T-S
and the
Reporter
. No one thought this fact worthy of checking, I guess.
As it turns out, in addition to
Blue River, Oregon
, which claims that it has the tallest living tree in America, a cursory google search showed that two other cities claim that record as their own. There’s
Coeur d’Alene, Idaho
with their tree standing at 161 feet and
Fresno, California
(search the page for A Candlelight Christmas on Huntington Boulevard). Fresno doesn’t say how tall their tree is, only that it’s the nation’s tallest.
The on-line version of the Guinness World Records is no help. Although if you’re interested in knowing about
the world’s tallest rose bush
, you’ll find answers.
So what does all of this mean for Ferndale? Other than a potential false advertisement lawsuit?
In today’s
Reporter
, Ferndale’s new fire chief, Tom Ford, estimated the tree’s height at 140-150 feet tall. Then,
“He laughed while trying to decide and thought it might be a good idea to have someone officially measure the tree in the near future.”
It’s no laughing matter, Mr. Ford. Before you go around tauting that your tree is bigger than the next guy’s, the least you can do is have the proof to back it up. And if it turns out that your tree is actually smaller, but you’ve been boasting about its fictitious size, well then, you might consider having a chat with a therapist.
This article appears in Rural and Rebellious.
For The Glory, now on DVD: Beloved small town mayor Robart Frown embarks on a raucous cross-country tour with only his pedal-powered pentacycle and a teddy bear to his name. Simple small town folk welcome this unlikely goodwill ambassador into their hearts and homes as he researches his new book about Christmas Americana. But “The Face of Fernwhale” harbors a dark secret, a covert mission to poison the tallest Christmas trees in the country to secure glory and fame for Fernwhale’s own subpar Sitka spruce. Things turn interesting when an ad hoc horticulturist militia uncovers Robart’s plans, spurring a three-state electric wheelbarrow chase. Things look grim for Robart until a band of rogue foresters come to his rescue during a daring woodland ambush. Rated G for golly good fun, pervasive mustache sharpening and senseless rutabaga destruction. 120 minutes.
Andrew: Take this treatment and pitch it to the new film commission and/or Robin Williams. Immediately.
I agree that Robart Frown deserves to be portrayed by an actor of Robin Williams’ stature. However, Robin’s personality dominates his light-hearted roles and would convey more Robin than Robart.
It’s crucial to select an actor who has an authentically bushy mustache so that the role is played convincingly. My thoughts turn to Jason Lee.
The crew has given the issue additional thought and come up with a couple other names: Leon Rippy (bad photo, he has a good smile) or Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Hoffman is looking surprisingly Robartish in that photo. But this Rippy fellow may have the edge.
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