Holy crap! Wal-Mart may have been coy about moving into the Bayshore Mall, but its grand opening is gonna be off the chain! Get ready for a week-long explosion of orgiastic consumer pageantry the likes of which Eureka has never seen.
According to an apparently genuine invitation sent to the Journal and other local media outlets, the festivities will include dancing mascots, local luminaries and supplications before our nation’s most revered non-corporate authorities — God, the military and Old Glory.
On Sunday, June 10, and again on Wednesday, June 13, Hydesville Community Church Associate Pastor Jeff Beltz will perform an invocation. Because the Lord loves low prices. Always.
Also on the 13th, Eureka High School’s Navy Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps will conduct a color guard flag ceremony; Wal-Mart grunts associates will sing “The Star Spangled Banner”; and corporate mascots including Chester Cheetah, Bimbo Bear and whatever Pepsi’s mascot is will dance to “Let’s Get It Started” by the Black Eyed Peas.
Still not excited? Well how about some Native American flute variations? A Wal-Mart employee has that covered for the June 10 “Welcome and Evening Preview Night.” No? Well how do free, reusable shopping bags grab you? That’s right: The first 300 customers on Saturday, June 16 get ’em! You read that right!
Maybe you’ll be enticed by the presence of Eureka Mayor Frank Jager, Chamber of Commerce President J Warren Hockaday and Market Manager Chad Smith!
Still not convinced? Two words: Cupcake walk! The Wal-Mart tent will be set up on Saturday, June 16 featuring said walk, along with samples of smoothies and hot dogs, a “Prize Cube” for gift cards, an electronics department game tournament and Kellogg’s face painting (whatever that means).
Our dark days are coming to an end, North Coast. Let’s party!
(In case you think we’re joking, here’s a photo of the itenarary that came with the invitation.)
Previous Wal-Martitude: A Sign / Toy Barn Closes / Humboldt’s Wal-Mart Resistance
This article appears in Choo-choo Fantasies.
I am so sad I moved away from Eureka. Just when things were starting to get good!
Who the hell is Bimbo Bear?
Who’s Bimbo Bear?! This is Bimbo Bear.
I like that they’re including local businesses such as Sbarro’s and Mrs. Fields’ as collaborative partners.
When do they schedule the burning down of the local sporting goods and toy stores? Is that before or after the bulldozing of local clothing stores and pharmacies? Will the F-16 flyover, to the tune of “Rock Me Like A Hurricane”, do an airstrike on Eureka’s Old Town? Looks exciting.
Jeff,
Have you seen the toy department in Kmart or Target? Maybe you noticed that Safeway, Target and believe it or not Walgreen’s CVS, and Rite Aid have pharmacies.
And could you please let me know what local clothing store sells affordable clothes?
You know, just regular stuff.
Just “regular” stuff……
Are you referring to communist made Chinese goods as “regular stuff”? Oh my, what we’ve come to as a nation. Low quality goods, low wages, low rates of education, low levels of manufacturing. We need less walmarts, not more…..
Ok,
Please let me know of a local store that sells reasonably priced american made clothing. I do buy Carhartts (american made) but it’s a little hard to keep the kids in $45,00 jeans.
You know just regular stuff like t-shirts and undies.
anon 3:47 and now low prices, thank god! Now if we can do something about the fuel situation!!!!
Low prices will soon be replaced by competitive prices with target. Enjoy the chapitude while it lasts but soon you might as well shop at target because the prices will be the same as at walmart.
There aren’t many things that should tear people away from the courthouse occupation, but I think the cupcake walk on the 16th could just be one.
Tell everyone you know — free food courtesy of WalMart!
(You can always attend without actually eating…)
and just who exactly is this mystery taqueria?
One has to wonder about someone who seizes any opportunity it seems to trash Christianity. And now reading the byline of this blog I know who the tiny-minded individual is. Why it’s Ryan Burns, the same myopic Luddite who like the idiot Progs he must belong to thinks Prog anti-poor activists can keep Humboldt County in the railroad dark ages forever. I hope someone keeps the current issue of NCJ around to show Ryan in a few years why politics doesn’t really rule the economy. People do. And people need goods and services so Arkley and Harbor Commission pulled an end run around the Progs with their East-West alternative railway solution. And Ryan’s op-ed piece can’t stand it. Hooray for progress. Now the Humboldt poor have at least another place to shop they can afford. Home Depot next in line..seems like the poor and not so poor too want to give their money to Walmart stock-holders and workers vs. getting ripped off by the prices for the same goods at Pierson’s or Larry Glass’s Works..
stack it deep stack it high–watch those downtown businesses die !
“Prog” sounds like something Stephen has lodged in his rectum.
@Jim Carr- watch which downtown businesses die, Jim? There arent any downtown businesses for Walmart to kill.
Nice hyperbole though.
Why do Walmart defenders cite “lack of affordable clothing” as the reason for its entry into Humboldt? We have Kmart, Target, oh and these mysterious operations called thrift/ resale stores with great stuff (and often times benefitting a great local cause). Target and Kmart carry the same crap and are by no means saintly businesses , however Walmart’s trail of absurd destruction trumps them all.
the stuff they sell at wallmart is such crap that it falls apart in the wash first time. you are supporting low wage chinese jobs when you shop there, who wants affordable goods when you have to buy three pairs to get the same longevity of use out of them. Buy once at a good clothing store instead of every week at walmarts disposable section. Target and Kmart already have the prices down on electronics . what will you save $3 on a dvd or $20 on a T.V. , not worth it to send our economy out the door. Tell walmart to go back to hell where they belong
To Stephen: Your post does not make sense..how was this article trashiing Christianity? You then insult Ryan Burns, by calling him “tiny minded”, when actually, you sound very tiny minded! The article is poking fun, at the Marketing Tactic’s of a super large Corporation….as if God, is overwhelmed with Pride and Joy, that Walmart is coming to town…please……
Johnnymaniac,
You didn’t click on the video, did you?
When I stopped laughing, I felt just awful.
Yeah, Jesus wants low prices for the poor people, like Arkley. I just hope the Jesus who shows up is the hippie-Jesus, not the Kill-em-all-let-my-dad-errrr-me sort ’em out. I mean, Christians are such a persecuted group in this nation, what, with all those states passing laws about no Christians allowed, shit like that.
But Wal Mart is like Jesus’ yard sale and that makes it holy and sacred. Is Jesus’s mascot, The Holy Ghost gonna join the cheetah?
If you don’t like Walmart, don’t shop there. It’s as simple as that. As for people supporting low-paying Chinese jobs by shopping at Walmart, I suppose the computer you’re typing your response on was made by an American making $30 an hour, RIGHT?
They spelled the Mayor’s name wrong on the invite. Sheesh.
Why is the public funded high school’s anything supporting and promoting a private company’s opening like WalMart? It isn’t like it is also a fund raiser to pay the health bills of the underpaid WalMart clerks.
WalMart. Brought to you Humboldt and Friends by the Carrington Company.
Why didn’t Arkley offer his mobile baptism pool for the celebration?
Start savin your crap in a bag then when they open go in and spread feces everywhere in the cloathes and food. Fight BACK!!!!!!
Stay classy, Internet.
What a bunch of hypocritical phonies trying to diss the poor for shopping at places where the prices are lowest. I buy Aim toothpaste for a buck at Dollar Store and the same exact tube of Aim at any local supermarket sells for over twice the price. That goes for most all the stuff I buy at Dollar Store. It’s the same product or close knock-off that is much cheaper. I don’t especially want to contribute to local petite bourgeousie making their profits by charging more for the same thing one can get for less, far less. And it’s true, all of you who are typing away on computers have zero room to talk about Chinese goods, not when Apple is screwing over their employees just like the rest. If you don’t like Big Boxes or China, do something more than bitch and moan and play politically correct and heartless Progs–rhymes with frogs and one only hopes they croak before they further trash Humboldt County’s economy.
http://www.bimbobakeriesusa.com/
When Bimbo buys a company, they don’t change the name. So most of you have been buying Bimbo products for years and don’t know it.
Just like when Kmart bought Sears out.
Still can’t believe you are still spewing the bullshit story about the toy store closing having anything to do with Walmart and nothing to do with increased sales and less overhead working with another megacorp.
Can we please get a Home Depot now. I know Fortuna would be all in. Let me keep dreaming…an Olive Garden and a Red Lobster…decent food at a reasonable price compared to the overated local crap we have now. Mazzoti’s is that you?
Kick WalMart out of town!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUHienDVtIk
Olive Garden and a Red Lobster?
Wow. Such high hopes.
The NCJ should boycott the big box pretend parade. It will be telling which reporter(s) feel like giving them even more free publicity.
So Whoppers ain’t good enough for Mr. Bill?
BY MEDIA BOYCOTT PLEASE @ 9:51 AM Your hopes of a NCJ boycott are for not. Andy will be there with his G.F. Kim Star. They can’t let a photo opportunity go by…………………
Ryan Burns can’t get enough of Walmart, he’ll be there.
Maybe they’ll carry “Ape Canyon”
I can’t wait to give my money to Walmart. Yes I suppose I should support “local businesses” such as Target, Kmart, and Walgreens (who, let’s face it, are the only people even remotely in competition with Walmart) but…. they don’t sell Grapette or Orangette soda which are exclusive to Walmart. I will miss paying $9 for three batteries at “Mom and Pop’s General Store”.
Grappette sounds like a real smart shopper, just like these fun folks.
Oh the People of Walmart site… proving once again that at the heart of the Walmart hate is hatred of the poor and a need to feel superior. I’m sure Soda Pops is an extremely attractive person. What is your waist size, honey bunny?
On the bright side, Walmart will make WinCo look classy.
Yeah, the Ho’s at Winco now have some competition with Walmart’s classy Ho’s wearing the tiger stripe underwire, and all that hairspray doin the dance for the same price!
i’m disgusted by the dancing Jesus video
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