From the extremely large, solid oak desk of Secretary of War Peter Hegseth:
Questions regarding the Pentagon’s plans to develop a High-T military are harshing my morning buzz so I will be addressing some of your baby-ass concerns here. Side note: We will also begin construction of a new building, swapping out the five-sided thing for a massive tower with pair of giant spheres at its base. Yeah, you get it.
Testing for testosterone deficiency will be mandatory for men over 30. Deficiency is defined as the inability to grow a lush Magnum P.I. mustache and the downy pelt that covered Tom Selleck’s tanned chest and the thick, muscular thighs he barely contained in his khaki short shorts.
As we’ve stated, the Department of War means to “invest in the health of its warfighters, strengthen their performance and maximize force readiness.” Testosterone is going to yield a more ripped military overall. And OK, there are some out-of-context videos of me struggling with dumbbells, stumbling along a track and flopping under a pull-up bar like a soaked Kermit the Frog, but in my defense, I was pretty wasted. And once I double my T dosage and the sound of my mother’s voice telling me I’m “an abuser of women” she doesn’t respect subsides to its usual elevator music level, I’m going to nail my next fitness test.
When we pack on that muscle, hit single-digit body fat, get everyone into the preferred waist-to-height ratio and nail those impeccable grooming standards, we’ll be unstoppable in all but very hot or very cold weather. Like Napoleon said, “An army marches on its hotness.”
Scientists and doctors say testosterone isn’t proven to improve energy, or physical or mental function. But who do you trust, a nerd in a lab coat or a podcaster with a Bugatti that’s probably not rented? Just because Harvard University warns of shrinking nads, low sperm count, heart damage, enlarged prostates, increased blood pressure, blood clots, mood swings, impaired judgment and delusions from overuse — WHATEVER GET OFF ME, MAN. And everyone knows low sperm count doesn’t matter when every single one of your sperm is war ready.
Also, Neuticles bullmastiff testicular implants will be issued for any man who can cross his legs too comfortably. Mine are equine and I can’t even use a regular chair anymore.
Federal studies show amping up testosterone improves erectile dysfunction, low libido and even depression, which is definitely caused by low testosterone and not your government shipping you off without adequate food, body armor or working plumbing to fight in wars engineered to increase the price of gas and groceries for your family at home and get everyone to stop asking about the Epstein files and watch the livestreamed execution.
Higher libido is essential to war readiness, as is erectile function. With enough testosterone, every part of your body becomes a weapon — breaking down a barricade, digging a trench — all I know is if I’m trapped in a foxhole with half a dozen other men, I want to know their junk is primed for battle.
Another reason we need higher libido among our military men: What’s the point of my policies making it harder to report sexual harassment and assault in the military if you’re all going to sit around like blocks of tofu respecting your fellow soldiers despite their clearly having boobs? Who among us hasn’t taken an intoxicated woman’s phone and blocked her from leaving his hotel room before having totally consensual sex that she didn’t remember beyond “saying ‘no’ a lot” and that she followed up with a hospital visit for a rape exam? Yeah, I settled that one for $50K so you don’t have to, brothers. You’re welcome.
You know, I’m doing my part over here rescinding military family members’ access to abortion, too, and meanwhile you’re letting teen pregnancy rates drop through the floor. Get it together.
And I want to be clear as an Ultra Gold Monster Energy drink when I tell you this is not gender affirming care. We don’t do that in the Department of War or the Military of Men or the Armed Forces of Very Big Arms. It’s just medication to make our bodies more outwardly masculine to align with who we are inside. The same goes for Turkish hair plugs and chin implants. You guys will tell me before I start looking like Matt Gaetz, though, right? My bros.
There is, of course, no place for so-called trans people in today’s modern military. Maybe they’ve served as far back as the Civil War but times have changed and I want to know exactly who I am harassing. Not trying to have a repeat of Miami.
Taking our military back to simpler times before trans people and women in combat roles is the whole goal. So we’ve ended the Affirmative Action and DEI that’s put women like Adm. Lisa Franchetti on the Joint Chiefs of Staff with a measly MA in national security and strategic studies from the Naval War College, 40 years of service, nine command positions and nine medals. Now we’re fully merit based as you can see. I used to think women weren’t strong enough to serve, but now that more than 90 percent of female Marines are passing or exceeding sex-neutral physical standards, it’s too confusing to figure out which ones you can safely hit with a closed fist.
For the time being, girls, ladies, whatever, continue to serve, I guess. We have not yet decided whether they will receive estrogen post menopause, however, because you know how they are with their hormones. Bitches do be trippin.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the managing editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400 ext. 106, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Bluesky @jfumikocahill.bsky.social.
This article appears in Big Backyard Visitors.
