Editor’s note: To avoid any confusion, please note that this is a work of satire. Call people what they wish to be called.
We’ve been friends for a long time and when you announced that you are non-binary I wanted to be a supportive ally. Remember, I was one of the first people wearing a safety pin until I realized it was leaving little vampire-bite holes in all my shirts and jackets. I’d still do anything to support you — anything! Except call you they/them.
Let me explain.
Firstly, the grammar gets me. And “they/them” clearly refers only to two or more people. You know how deeply I care about singular and plural distinctions, as evidenced by my habit of pointing aggressively whenever I say the word “you” and my refusal to discuss deer or fish in those terms, preferring instead to call them “antler dogs” and “scaly flippies.” It’s as serious an issue to me as ending sentences with prepositions or using British spelling — knowing he writes “favourite” and “colour” is the reason Idris Elba and I are not together right now. It’s just wrong. I literally can’t make myself use incorrect English. If someone isn’t happy with he/she, then they can come up with something else that will hopefully require no transitional effort from me personally. And until they do, I’m not giving in.
It also sounds clunky. Even if the dignity of being addressed by pronouns that don’t impose ill-fitting categories onto you was important enough to change English language and usage, it would have to be a little more musical to the ear. Do you really think the Oxford English Dictionary would have added “mankini” in 2011 if it didn’t roll off the tongue? The clunkiness is part of what makes they/them an imperfect solution I cannot accept. “People of color” has always hit my ear as awkward, too. Do we not all have color? That’s why I’ve vowed to go old school and only use the 19th century anthropological categorizations of Negroid, Mongoloid and Caucasoid until a perfect solution presents itself. Respecting your gender identity will just have to wait, too. Don’t worry, sticking to terms previous generations were mostly fine with always works out.
But this isn’t just about respecting a person’s sovereignty over their — I mean, his or her — own naming, like when I abruptly switched my name to its French equivalent in the eighth grade or the justifiable rage I fly into when it’s misspelled on a Starbuck’s cup. (L’accent aigu, people — it’s not hard.) It’s even more crucial than our right to be accepted for our naturally evolving identities, like when I came back from a semester abroad with a Barcelonian lisp.
Consider for a moment how this will affect me. If I’m forced — strong-armed by common manners — to use they/them to refer to you in the third person, I’ll have to actively acknowledge the existence of more than two genders when you’re not even in the room. And sure, I get it that scientists have long drawn a distinction between gender and biological sex, and that neither necessarily divides into two neat categories for everyone. But now I have to stand up for facts and science when you’re not even there to see me do ally shit?
And while I get it, I don’t want to constantly be thinking about it. I used to be able to stand in the co-op checkout line secure in the knowledge that even though we were all strangers with different ancestries, native languages, religions and creeds, I could at least make a fair guess at what kind of reproductive organs everybody was packing, toss them into one of two time-honored piles and potentially talk to or underpay them accordingly. But now that trans and non-binary people are on my radar, everyone might as well have Schrödinger’s junk — male, female, non-binary or dozens of other possibilities including no gender — until I get to know them as individual humans, I guess?
Are we just going to let everybody determine their own gender identity and how they want to be addressed? What about my choices? Because I’m feeling like my right to free speech with zero consequences is being sharply curtailed here. I value our friendship but adjusting to your preferred pronouns would be forcing me into a box that feels awkward, unnatural and untrue to my authentic self. And I would never do that to you.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at 442-1400, extension 320, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Twitter @JFumikoCahill.
Got a humorous take or tale to share? Then the North Coast Journal wants to hear from you. Contact us at editor@northcoastjournal.com to pitch your column ideas.
Editor’s note: The title has been altered to make the satirical tone clearer to bigots who keep gleefully writing the author.
This article appears in How California Got Tough on Guns.
Ha!
Schrodinger’s Junk ftw
this is offensive and disappointing
Language changes and evolves. English itself is a weird mish-mash of a language Check out https://www.teenvogue.com/story/they-them-questions-answered
As quoted from the article:
“Major dictionaries have recognized singular they as grammatically correct for years, including the Oxford English Dictionary, Merriam-Websters Dictionary, and dictionary.com. The word they has been used as a singular pronoun since at least the 16th century, and some argue it goes back even earlier. Were not making up new words and grammar here. The AP Style Guide has even started to allow the usage of singular they in cases where a subject doesnt identify as male or female.”
non bianary code for *attention seeking*
I hope that this is some form of satire.
Do y’all in the comments know this is satire? Like, it’s very clearly satire. I understand if you have concerns about the mixed messages of a satirical piece focusing on a marginalized group, and your feelings are valid if that’s the case. But it’s definitely not meant to be taken seriously, and if that’s what offends you, you need to grow up and work on your critical thinking skills.
I wrote this satirical piece for our satire/humor column Seriously? to poke fun at the flimsy and selfish arguments (grammar, awkwardness, having to let go of some outdated notions about gender) that so-called allies unfortunately use against adopting they/them for non-binary people. When taken to their conclusions, those objections are pretty insane, which I hope is apparent to the folks still clinging to them.
As for those insane conclusions: I do not call deer “antler dogs” or fish “scaly flippies.” You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who genuinely thinks “mankini” is an elegant addition to the English language. Using 19th century classifications of Caucasoid, Negroid and Mongoloid is NOT recommended in conversation. And if you’re only concerned about supporting marginalized people when they’re watching your performance of allyship, well, that’s not great. And, of course, nothing (certainly not British spelling) could keep any sane person from Idris Elba.
Call people what they wish to be called. It’s a lot easier than the mental gymnastics required to hang on to a grammatical convention.
This was an excellent read thank you
Fortunately , though incontrovertibly dimorphic, we can ALL meditate upon this issue. Follow me:
uuummmmmmmmmm.
You drawl the Latin neuter ending, spaciously safe for use anywhere.
Of course, when offended, one can stand, mouth agape, preparing to dispute for hours, years, a lifetime, centuries.
Prepare thusly, engendering screamingly high arousal levels, making sure your opinions gain attention.
TO perform this boobish oral implant surgery, say:
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Using this simple plural Latin neuter, one can control the attention of as many as possible, if your political aspiration be disingenuous offensive perpetrator.
Or [ . . .ix!?}, nowadays, to be regarded less seriously, speak it meek, to enable your label as perpetratrix.
What a world we live in, when satire makes sense, and no one gets it anyway. I’ll play along with the guy trying to turn himself into a girl at a business I frequent, and refer to him as “her”, but “them/they”? No, Jennifer, I came down off that mushroom trip years ago, and kind of enjoy seeing reality as it is.
This is clearly satire, but I actually agree with the article. I refer to men as he and women as she. And if they’re trans, I’ll refer to them as the opposite of their biological gender out of respect. But as for “preferred pronouns”, I’m not going to go out of my way to ask every stranger I meet how they would like to be addressed, and then try to remember to use plural pronouns in my speech. That requires a constant conscious effort to modify they way I’m speaking in order to use language unnaturally for the sake of some random. “Compassion” isn’t a good enough reason. If it’s a choice between actively deciding upon self-consciousness in my own speech, and my speech making you feel self-conscious, the choice is easy.
I believe in “live and let live”. I don’t care how you identify, who you sleep with, how you dress, it doesn’t bother me, and I’m happy to live alongside you. But things like this impose more than an expectation of tolerance. This is an expectation that I, and everybody else, become an ally to a cause that has zero relevence within my own existence, but manages to needlessly complicate it in order to appease the feelings of the gender-confused. If your biggest problem in life is your feelings, you’ve got it pretty damn good. I’m not about to commit myself to preserving them for you. How you feel isn’t my issue, it’s yours.
Make whatever choices you’d like, do whatever you’d like with your life, I support that. But if you come in expecting me to make any change in mine in order to be accommodating and you’re shit out of luck. That’s a “you problem”.
Well, if HE has a weener, it’s a he/him.
If it has a vajayjay, it a she her.
They refers to two people, and is bad grammar. Stop confusing todays youth they have enough going on.
Hey Jennifer, thanks for the silly satire that clearly was silly satire… A few paragraphs in, that is. Before that point, Yes, it was obviously absurd and yet SO CLOSELY resembles the inane and insane articles I’ve seen that are legit trying to make the point you were lampooning, it was hard to tell for sure which side of the fence this piece was supposed to fall.
Perhaps ‘they’ are right. In this New Era we find ourselves in, maybe satire IS dead.
Wow nobody knows how to take a joke nowadays
This is so obviously satire.
This might be satire but most people agree. I’m calling you he or she and I’ll let you decide which, I’m not rewarding your insanity beyond that.
tfw people can’t tell whether this satirical article should be taken seriously or not because of how ridiculous this imaginary gender non-issue has gotten.
Ikr. In the real world people are not so understanding and eloquent in their dismissal of these incredibly stupid ideas.
Oh my God, What kind of person would disrespect someone like that. The English language changes and differs every day. if you were named Jerk, Which you are, How would you like it if someone walked in and called you donkey. I don’t think you would feel great. I feel sorry for the person that you wrote this about if you were their mom I bet they would run away or commit self-harm because of your incompetence. I am outraged that you would disrespect someone like this. A person is a person none the less. If a person announces them selfs as non-binary then you call them what the want or leave and no they are not in a “Stage’. this is life deal with it. Now go apologize to your friend and get a life so you can do something productive insted of haveing to hate on this person.🤬😡
Ahaha I love it. I think you are being honest and saying what majority of people think. Anyone who thinks otherwise is pompous and untrue to themselves. We’ve become so entitled with our expectations of others to a point where other people’s rights are diminished. I’m all for freedom of speech and expression, please don’t diminish me for not using your desired pronouns. #fuckcancelculture.
Thank you so much for this. I one hundred percent thought this was serious until I got to the part about needing to know people’s genitals, at which the realization hit me and I burst out laughing. THANK YOU. This really points out how silly everyone is acting about the simple matter of using they/them instead of other pronouns. Everybody takes it so personally when they can’t define someone else as “he” or “she”! Plus, I’ve noticed that it’s made a lot of people in the comment section angry, so kudos for that lol. Honestly, it’s really not that big of a deal to use they/them and people need to chill. Thanks again for this hilarious article, I greatly appreciate it. 😀
this is fantastic satire, but the people in the comments that genuinely agree with it deserve to be decked <3 fuck y'all. grow some respect. gender isn't defined by sex and even sex itself is incredibly complex and goes FAR beyond just genitalia. dumbasses.
You’re obviously very stupid if you agree with this. They/them refers 2 or more people, OR it can refer to 1 person. I tell you my friend is in the hospital, but I do not tell you the gender, you are most likely to say “Oh my goodness, I hope THEY will be alright, I feel really bad for THEM.” There you go, I just used they/them pronouns in a way where it refers to one person!
Wow.. I feel the same. It is like we are standing on glass floor that could break anytime. Interactions are becoming less genuine because of compelled speech.
…and you all went to college. Cool. The world is yours. The meek HAVE finally inherited the earth. Have fun storming the castle boys and girls. Dont take yourselves so seriously. No one gets out of life alive.
I can’t handle seeing gender inclusive pronouns all over people’s social medias… like stop using the transgender/black/whatever thing to up your woke game. It probably makes it even more confusing to people who are actually trans seeing that all over everyone’s stuff. They are all just following the trend and really have no regard for those that are trying to survive. At least, that’s my take. I know they’re trying to help by making themselves “allies” or whatever, but ffs please just stop because you’re making it worse!! There must be some distinction lest we all become some shapeless anthropomorphic blob of humanity. The pronouns have got to go.
I’ll use they/them, she/her, or he/him. Anything else, I’ll just use your name instead of any of those. It’s much confusing to have to call you ze or zer or ve or vir. Why not just use they? Using those I feel like I’m using a french accent, which is quite silly sounding but besides the point. What’s really weird to me is animal/plant/object pronouns. You’re not a tree, not a bun/bunself, not a bunny, not a crayon or a frog. (yes I’ve actually known of people who used these) It definitely makes me uncomfortable using some of these, especially bun. And it doesn’t make me transphobic because I’m not comfortable calling you a bunny or puppy. Those are pet names. It’s just not something I’m comfortable saying. I do understand that some people with mental disabilities may use these because it helps them understand gender better (or something along the lines of that) and it that case it’s different, but all that I’ve known of were neurotypical people.
whAT the fawk did i just read chile-
British use incorrect English? I think we’d know considering I don’t know? That we invented the god damn language! Hence why it’s called “English”
Imagine getting offended bc someone doesnt call you by the right pronoun. Like are you that self centered and think the world should just revolve around you and your feelings. Im a mexican american, half white and half mexican i do not get offended when people call me by the wrong race. You know why because i dont think people should have to ask and make sure what i am before speaking. The world doesnt revolve around you and if your biggest problem in the world is getting offended well good for you, there are so many bigger things in the world.
There have been transgender people as long as there have been people. There have been “non-binary” people as long as there has been social media.
this is more transophobic than balkan people.
If you’re only doing “ally shit” for your friend to recognize it you’re not an ally.
even if its satire its still not funny to joke about pronouns ?
So this “article” is a few years old by now but isn’t it pretty reductive? “I’m not going to bother understanding you because you make me use a form of language i’m not used to, don’t fully understand and therefore you and your ideas are invalid”. As the #1 Tottenham fan once said; Evolution of langugage, init?
As an older man, I don’t quite understand the transthings but I grew up wanting to be a kind, nurturing male, which often was incompatible with being idea of being male at that time. I was often physically and socially destroyed for not caring for the right things and wanting outcomes outside the norm for my gender. In spite of this I honestly never thought much about gender as a construct.
Instead, my formative years were spent thinking about modernist things like Marxism but as I’ve matured I think I was mistaken in thinking life and history could be reduced to simple mechanics like the Owning class vs the Producing class. I think these young people thinking about gender and sex the way they are could lead to a lot of good for humans everywhere. The least we could do is listen.
To make my ramblings short, open your god damned mind and realise that respecting others costs you nothing.
Typical Karen written mumbo jumbo
They/them pronouns CAN be used singularly.
ex. “Someone lost ‘their’ dog. I should return it to ‘them’.’
Stop worrying about your gender pronouns and get a job