Stoned Yoni

Is there anything weed can’t make better?

In the rush to imbue every last product imaginable with marijuana, we’ve seen creative candies, coffee, topical treatments, etc., etc. We’ve likely not seen the end of infusion-mania, but maybe this’ll make entrepreneurs stop for a moment and take a good, long look in the mirror.

The California-based Foria claims to be the first pot-infused vaginal lubricant on the market, and — because I’m writing this at work — I’m going to take their word for it. Is the “all natural sensual enhancement oil thoughtfully designed for women” being marketed to the experienced and enlightened woman who wants to achieve climax without having to stop and roll a new joint?

A “teaser” video on Foria’s website features an American Apparel type writhing around in soft-focus on white sheets intercut with subtly metaphorical images of a wave building on the ocean.

Dangerous Minds writer Amber Frost puts it best in her post titled “Medical Marijuana Sex Lube: Probably Not So Medical” when she muses: “From the day spa aesthetic of the website to the look of the testimonials in the video below, I’d say Foria is subtly being marketed to women experiencing a drop in hormones or some level of female sexual dysfunction. The use of the word ‘aphrodisiac’ is a dead giveaway.”

Have doubts about its effectiveness? The site’s testimonial video features three attractive, well-dressed women describing their skeptical-cum-transitory experiences using the THC-laden lubricant to “unlock profound pleasures.”

It’s unclear if the stuff is intended to get you stoned, but Kate Hakala of Nerve.com spoke to Foria founder Mathew Gerson, who was about as informative as the one-name testimonials promising multiple orgasms and sexual awakening. Responses to the product vary, Gerson told Nerve, “but he was hesitant to share with us what some of these effects definitively are, and that’s partially because currently there is no standardization of medical marijuana dosing, and no literature or FDA studies on taking such a product through the vagina.”

While Gerson claims the effects are genitally localized and forego the typical recreationally sought-after effects of pot, Hakala in her story makes the succinct point: “We’re still not really sure how a vagina metabolizes pot.”

Lest you think the lube is some bizarre aphrodisiac doomed to obscurity, the $88-per-bottle purported sexual stimulant (Gerson also sells vegan condoms) has been featured on the websites of luminary women’s magazines like Shape and Cosmopolitan. The life-enhancing list-making prowess of these “we’ll-type-anything-once” magazines means the uncluttered-by-science goop has a real shot at making it onto the medicine cabinet shelves of women nationwide.

After, mind you, an approval period. You must prove to the online retailer that you possess a valid 215 card and join the Foria collective, after which you can purchase it online. It typically takes a few days for a response, according to the website. If only all questionable sexual choices required a 3-day waiting period. •

This article appears in Lion Stories.