Well, it’s been a wild couple of weeks, and we’ve been hearing from more traditional party members having trouble keeping up with a platform that shifts like a drunk carnie is pulling levers on the ride. After all, not all of us came up listening to this generation’s hateful right-wing podcasts; some of us listened to hateful right-wing radio. We understand it can be tough to navigate these changes when your identity is so strongly linked to a political position in a way that is definitely not identity politics. Let’s go over a few common concerns.
As a Reagan-era Republican who remembers the Cold War, I can’t accept snuggling in the lap of a former-KGB authoritarian like Putin. There’s a simple exercise for this. Sit in a quiet place, close your eyes and play Rocky IV from start to finish in your mind’s eye, but replacing Dolph Lundgren as Russian boxer Ivan Drago with the infamously Canadian Michael J. Fox in a pair of maple leaf silk shorts. Canada is the enemy now.
OK, but are we really going to abandon Ukraine? Lol, yes. Oh, you’re serious. Some of the confusion may be over the fact that Ukrainians are largely white and Christian, which is kind of a change-up for us. Or is it the sight of soft, service-dodging bootlickers packed together like par-baked dinner rolls to scold a democratically elected Ukrainian president about etiquette while he’s three years into trying to defend a sovereign nation and its people from a massive invading aggressor? Try looking at some AI images of Trump with crazy abs. That’s better.
I know we are against the drag shows so should we say something about Vice President Vance’s guyliner? Every Trump staffer is expected to mind their appearance and take care to affirm their gender in a way that is definitely not gender-affirming care. You know, hair dye, makeup, shapewear. That goes for women, too. And J.D. has chosen to go with what appears to be a Sharpie line from his tear ducts and back, which is manly and virile and definitely not in the style of rock icon Joan Jett.
That Musk guy is creeping me out. He creeps us all out. He’s like if a rubber Michael Myers Halloween mask came to life with less convincing hair plugs. Is it weird that someone who would have been a villain in a Lethal Weapon movie is now an unelected minister with all your passwords? Sure. But our semi-lucid president has chosen him to be in charge of the treehouse. Try looking at his hat instead of at his dull, flounder-like eyes.
Are we still doing “family values?” Absolutely. As long as you count Musk’s personal eugenics project, impregnating women he finds genetically superior. And be honest, you were fine with the porn star stuff and the sexual assault last time around. Next.
I knew when I voted for Trump that people would be harmed. But I thought it would be different people. It’s true Trump and Musk have stripped the Centers for Disease Control and Forest Service of thousands of workers, including a surprising number of white men. We realize some of the messaging may have given the impression that those booted into unemployment would be non-European immigrants who run drag story hours or transgender people teaching critical race theory to babies. But we’ll get to them eventually, whether they exist or not.
Do DEI programs really include veterans and white ladies? Potentially, and by that we mean yes. But a fair meritocracy based on inherited wealth requires sacrifice. And while it may seem like the administration is simultaneously advancing and appointing people you wouldn’t trust to adopt a Build-a-Bear, it’s because we don’t want to alienate our younger base — specifically mothers willing to treat measles with lavender and dudes who huff Axe body spray. The latter group is why we support the Tate brothers’ return to the U.S., despite their facing more sexual assault allegations than all trans women in ladies’ rooms. It’s our way of ensuring the party is diversified, treating anti-vaxxers and violent misogynists equally and including them. But definitely not in a DEI way. We need to plan for when the old guard dies off, which should be soon given Kennedy’s public health policies.
The Trump tariffs and the related fallout in the stock market are freaking me out. Listen, you wanted a government run like a business. You should have specified you didn’t want one like Enron or Fyre Fest.
Are we still for smaller government? The smaller the better. Think of how small it could be without Social Security and how much government overreach and interference we’ll cut out as soon as we’re done inspecting everyone’s genitals. In essence, we’re whittling it down to just the executive branch. What’s smaller than a monarchy? No more House or Senate, just one golden, jewel-encrusted throne.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Bluesky @jfumikocahill.bsky.social.
This article appears in There’s a Fish Market Splashing into Eureka.
