Maleficent: Hey, Rob. Have a seat. So, this isn’t going to be our usual brunch, cackling over mimosas and the ruination of our enemies. Frankly, this Measure F campaign has us … concerned.
Joker: We’ve always supported your work, Rob. Cashing in on those foreclosed homes, spreading all that dark money around, bankrolling those junkets to curry Antonin Scalia and Sam Alito’s favor. It wasn’t glamorous and there were no explosions — still, it was respectable villainy. But this Measure F thing? Tricking people into voting against low-income housing by offering a pipe-dream alternative on a property that’s not even an option — it’s small time. I mean, calling it “Housing for All” was reprehensible, which I respect, but …
Goldfinger: But then we found out it wasn’t so you could build a robo-piranha factory or an evil laboratory to make mind-control gas, and you were doing all this to hang onto parking spaces. When the floor split open to reveal your scale model of Old Town, I was expecting more than parking lots.
Darth Vader: (khohhh) I also find your lack of a clear arch enemy disturbing. (khuhhh) Who’s your nemesis here? (khohhh) The homeless? Demolishing a peaceful planet is one thing, but targeting homeless people specifically is … cringey. (khuhhh)
Joker: It’s like your crusade against Betty Chinn all over again. Have you considered punching up, attacking, say, a league of heroes? And before you say it, the Friends of the Dunes do not count — your fight with them over Dog Ranch was embarrassing. They’re hikers and botanists, man. People in sun hats and Keens. They don’t strike fear in anything but invasive Scotch broom.
Darth Vader: Trying to block Eureka’s return of Tuluwat Island to the Wiyot wasn’t a great look, either (khohhh), though saying you were doing it so you and the kids could stroll the site of a historic massacre was bold. (khuhhh)
Maleficent: Snatching land out from under Native people has been done to death. But also, did anybody else feel like it was kind of —
Goldfinger: Racist? Ja. Big yikes there.
Darth Vader: (khohhh) … (khuhhh)
Joker: (clears throat) Tell us at least some of this about thwarting the city’s plans. Because OK, fine. But Eureka’s not exactly Gotham. It’s not even Santa Rosa.
Goldfinger: Not that a myopic obsession is bad — I’m not the pot calling the kettle gold here. But you’ve got to think bigger than starting a newspaper like the Eureka Reporter or funding campaigns just to stick it to a few public officials in a rural county with literally one strip club. What? It’s not bad, but there’s only one, you know?
Maleficent: Listen, Rob, I understand pettiness. I cursed a baby — a baby! — when I wasn’t invited to a party. Kidnapped a prince. Used my terrible power to transform into a dragon …
Goldfinger: (cough) Humble brag.
Maleficent: My point is that the offense may have been minor, but I went big. You could set the Humboldt Bay ablaze with unnatural flames or surround Eureka in a wall of thorns through which no sunlight may pass. But instead, you’re dicking around with mailers that say, “Don’t let the cheaters win,” like you’re slinging mud in a race for eighth grade class president.
Joker: What have you spent on this pro-Measure F campaign, Rob, $1.2 million? Granted, that’s not even going to cover the tracking system for a giant laser to burn “BATMAN SUCKS” onto the moon, which, incidentally I’m looking for investors for —
Maleficent: Are you serious? Because I can’t tell with the makeup.
Joker: Totally serious. I don’t joke off the clock.
Vader: (khohhh) I’m in. You had me at “giant laser.” (khuhhh)
Joker: Sweet. Anyway, Rob, you could do a lot more with that money. You could have bought two, maybe three luxury Winnebagos for Supreme Court justices — four, if you cheap out on the fireplace or slide-out kitchenette. And I don’t get hiding your involvement with the halfhearted attempt to buy the Jacobs property, either. Whatever happened to leaving a calling card to claim responsibility? Don’t you at least want to set off a giant jack-in-the-box with your face on it if your Measure F passes?
Goldfinger: Precisely. And the whole evil plot — if you can even call it that — is embarrassingly trivial. Listen, when you see a take-a-penny dish next to a cash register, you don’t always have to take every penny. OK, yes, it says you can take a penny, Rob, one penny. This is what I’m talking about. It demeans you.
Maleficent: Hurt people hurt people, but not without careful planning. You seem like you’re flailing. What’s your endgame in Eureka? If you seek to destroy all that your enemies love and plunge them into eternal sorrow, great. But when I look at the renovation projects, the fawning local radio appearances, it’s confusing. Are you hoping they’ll be grateful to you or … love you?
Vader: (khohhh) Oh, damn. (khuhhh)
Goldfinger: See, this is why I love only gold.
Maleficent: Yeah, I’m out. (vanishes in burst of green smoke)
Joker: Wow. I knew the khakis were a cry for help. Come on, buddy, we’ll get you a cape and dangle a busload of children off a bridge. Big-boy villain stuff. Go get changed.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Instagram @JFumikoCahil.
This article appears in Combating the Barred Owl Invasion.
