Since Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. launched our new food pyramid, we’ve gotten a lot of questions. As the architect of this pyramid, I’ve prepared a list of frequently asked questions, answered to the best of my ability with the time I have left.
Why are we back to a pyramid when the government has used the more straightforward MyPlate chart for 15 years?
Time moves differently here in the Trump administration and whatever our president recalls most clearly, whether decades old or hallucinatory, is the present. At his request, we have also built an actual pyramid in which, unfortunately, I will be sealed upon completion of this document. I’m told it’s a terrific honor and, while I will never see it, it will be painted in actual gold, which will be added to the center of the food pyramid chart next year.
What’s with all the protein?
As we all know, protein has been vilified and driven underground for decades by snowflake liberals who fear its masculine energy. Too many of us have been forced to go to the dark web for non-plant-based burgers since the Biden administration made cows illegal. But those dark times are over. Hence, we’ve roughly doubled the recommended intake to something closer to Dan Draper’s steak and Martini lunches. It’s important to note that the steak on the chart is the recommended serving size, meaning larger than a bunch of bananas. Same for the roast chicken, which should be consumed whole in the manner of a boa constrictor. This is what we mean by whole and unprocessed. If you’re concerned about digestive issues, the fiber in the 12 grains of oats at the very bottom should take care of it.
Shouldn’t we be eating lean protein?
The pyramid — I speak here of the chart, not the one housing this small chamber that’s getting pretty stuffy now that they’re filling in the doorway — allows for a variety of proteins. RFK Jr. himself enjoys an 18-ounce slab from a partially decayed whale carcass that’s been tied to the top of the family car, or whatever that mass of brown fur and pink guts was before it was panini pressed by tire treads. Meanwhile, Stephen Miller prefers to fuel up with an insulated stainless steel tumbler of the blood of the innocent.
Doesn’t zero added sugar seem like an unattainable standard?
If we’re going to Make America Healthy Again, we’ve got to commit to big changes. You might miss dessert and that boost of energy from a piece of chocolate, but the good news is we’ve replaced these with cocaine, black tar heroin and dropping into the occasional K-hole. This will be announced formally as soon as Secretary Kennedy emerges from his departmental chill room or, if necessary, staff members force the door and jam another turkey baster-sized adrenaline needle into his chest. Always a busy day in the office.
Are these guidelines the same for men and women?
Good question and no. Men and women — the only genders recognized by this administration because we believe in science and protecting women and children and there’s nothing of any interest whatsoever in the Epstein files — have very different nutritional needs. Men require testosterone-boosting, hair follicle-encouraging vitamins, nutrients found in manly foods like the container of raw ground beef on the chart. These are also, incidentally, the only foods that soothe Secretary Kennedy’s brain worms so they can more coherently whisper to him that which must be done. Women, however, don’t actually need to eat. A couple Virginia Slims and the protein in her lip filler should be enough to keep a woman alive and semi-conscious. Any more than that would allow her mind to register the erasure of her rights and very personhood by the institutions meant to safeguard them. (The same dietary guidelines are suggested for all non-whites and LGBTQ+ people, but we’ve emphasized white women starving themselves into a stupor since ICE has only recently added them to the kill list.) Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, for example, often goes days at a time digesting only her own bile and the skin of a single almond for texture.
Can we trust the federal government’s health advice right now?
Of course. Given the staff purges of career research scientists, the fire sale on influence for corporations and the unfathomably rich, as well as the president’s robust health, there’s no reason for you to mistrust our guidance. Sure, things have changed so that now masks are for fired-up immigration thugs instead COVID prevention, and the president’s ankles resemble a pair of overstuffed ottomans, but I’ve spent my career helping the government see to the health of Americans, right? OK, I can’t hear the workmen anymore and it’s really quiet.
Are you OK in there?
If I conserve my breath, I probably have another day or so and hopefully the wi-fi signal holds out until I send this. I only wish I’d thought to bring a little sugar.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the managing editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400 ext. 106, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Bluesky @jfumikocahill.bsky.social.
This article appears in Health and Wellness 2026.