Are you between the ages of 42 and 55 and staring down the barrel of perimenopause/premenopause/menopause? Does each new quirk in your ever-slower, ever more confounding body send you directly to the internet to research whether you’re feeling the effects of your nosediving progesterone or simply old age? Was that a hot flash? Or a panic attack? Am I getting frozen shoulder, or did I just hurt myself trying to put on socks? Am I mad all the time because of hormones or because … (*waves hand at everything)? Are you haunted by the vision of your future self as a brittle-boned crone anxiously slurping collagen supplements to try to restore some of the plumpness that seems to have slid straight down your cheekbones onto your hips? You’re not alone. And you have options.
Some might say exchanging one’s soul and corporeal form for the cursed half-life of a supernatural beast or being is a bad bargain, even a sacrilege. But those are the people who haven’t noticed what happens to women over 45 because, well, like most of society, they don’t notice women over 45. If you’re going to be invisible anyway, why not have a few extra powers to go with it? And with the untenable state of healthcare in the U.S., willingly becoming a creature of night is rapidly looking a whole lot easier and more affordable than hormone therapy.
So, which path is right for you? Here are some popular options.
Werewolf
Pros: Finally, a Paleo regimen that feels doable! Instead of the lunar cycle bringing crying jags and cramps, embrace the sudden surge of power coursing through your newly muscular body as you rove the woods. Choosing the werewolf can also solve that midlife problem of trying to coordinate schedules with friends: Bite a few people you’ve been dying to hang out with and suddenly you have a pack to run with in an exclusive monthly girls’ night.
Cons: If you were freaked out by those new chin hairs that popped up in your late 30s, this is probably not for you.
Vampire
Pros: While you’ll probably wish you’d chosen immortality before you got your first varicose vein, going undead is like freezing your eggs: Better late than never! The vampire lifestyle includes readymade excuses for sleeping all day and turning down hiking trips, as well as the option to transform into a bat when your in-laws or really any people stop by unannounced. Besides, you’re already up all night doomscrolling.
Cons: Eternal life means being alive to witness the impact of all the shitty decisions we’re making on the environment and (*waves hand again), well, everything.
Zombie
Pros: Not many, to be honest, but if you already dragging yourself between taking care of kids and/or a spouse, and/or a career and/or aging parents, and are living through (*waves hand), this one will probably be the subtlest transformation to those around you. Plus, ripped jeans are back in.
Cons: It’s hard to look sexy while shambling.
Witch
Pros: Cackling, talking to cats, industry discounts on real estate in the heart of deep, dark forests, general spell casting.
Cons: Warts, wizened fingers, constant risk of being blamed every time someone’s cow goes dry or whatever the modern equivalent of that is — declining birth rates? DEI being taught in schools? Mountain Dew Code Red being pulled off the shelves? I don’t know, ask J.D. Vance. So, really, not much different than just going through menopause, but everyone thinks you can turn people you don’t like into toads. Actually, now that I’ve thought about it, sign me up.
Linda Stansberry (she/her) is a writer who lives in Eureka. If she were alive 200 years ago, she’s pretty sure she would have been burned as a witch.
This article appears in ‘Doing its Part’.