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Good Guy with a Howitzer 

A proposal for private tank ownership

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Dear President Trump:

I have been retired for more than 15 years and I need a hobby. I thought about trout fishing or bird watching, but they are too benign. Although I've never owned a gun, I want one. Not just any gun. I want a tank. A heavily armored, self-propelled combat vehicle armed with a howitzer and .50-caliber torrent machine gun. Just think of the sense of power and security it will provide me, not to mention the pride of knowing that I have the biggest and baddest gun of all.

I'm advised, however, that I can't own my own tank because it's a military weapon made only for war and killing. That's ridiculous. As everyone knows, the most important amendment to the constitution — the Second Amendment — gives me the right to own a tank. To deny me freedom to own the gun of my choice abridges my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If only U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia were still alive. I know he would agree with me, as we could apply his brilliant "originalism" to my dilemma. It's simple: The founding fathers said nothing in the Constitution curtailing a person's legal right to own a tank. Ergo, I have the constitutional and legal right to own a tank. Not only the legal right but my God-given right to own a tank according to that most astute leader of the NRA, Wayne Lafavere. (I'm not a Bible expert, so I'm still researching scripture to locate that text and can't seem to find it. But I know it's there because Mr. Lafaure said so and he wouldn't lie to the American public.)

Please be advised that I will be a responsible tank owner. Additionally, I want to form and be part of a well-regulated militia in accordance with the Second Amendment. My desire is to form a Civilian Tank Corps and a monthly magazine called Tanks and Ammo, which should be well received and read by our base. In my case, I like the fire-power, recoil boom and havoc that a tank with a howitzer and mounted machine gun can provide. People who like big fires, like at the Burning Man festival in Nevada, may prefer a tank with a flame thrower.

Currently, the debate is on about arming teachers. I believe a civilian tank corps can resolve that problem. As you know, many teachers lean left and are also union members. Additionally, most use the scientific method as their base of teaching. They can't be trusted. Thus, I would propose that individual teachers armed with guns be replaced by tanks with the slogan "A tank on every campus." We could even line up tanks on our borders, instead of just a wall. Because our tanks would be privately owned, we could do away with that drab army green color. Tanks could be painted red, white and blue, and even pink for the lady tank owners. Believe me when I tell you it could be a beautiful wall of tanks, a really beautiful wall of tanks — a beautiful wall.

As you and the NRA know, only more guns will make us safe. By logical extension, the private ownership of tanks will make us even safer. As you can see, I live in California, which is full of weak-kneed progressive liberal senators and representatives. I doubt they would sponsor a bill in congress that would allow the private ownership of tanks, so I am seeking possible sponsors outside of our state. I felt so sorry for our "little Marco Rubio" on the recent CNN forum and the anguish and difficulty he was enduring concerning the complex problems regarding guns that should be banned — the nuances or caliber, magazine clip size, plastic add-ons, bump stocks, etc. It's too much. With the legalization of private tank ownership that problem is resolved. Think of the tank as the top of an umbrella. Once they are legal, everything less lethal under that umbrella will be legal. So, we wouldn't have to worry about such minute details such as magazine size or AR-15 versus a rapid-fire bump stock rifle. As you know, Sen. Rubio was corporately groomed for his run for president and still retains many of those ties. Additionally, he has an A+ rating from the NRA, so I'm sending him a copy of this letter in the hope that he will take up the cause of private tank ownership and sponsor a bill in the Senate. I've taken the liberty of sending copies to Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, too, so they can start immediate proceedings in their respective houses to move a private tank ownership bill forward. We need to get moving on this before the Democrats pass a bill banning bump stocks.

Like yourself with your bunion, I was exempt from the draft during the Vietnam War because I was married with a child and personally have no military experience. You seem to have an excess of generals coming and going on your staff — perhaps, you could direct one or two to the Civilian Tank Corps. We could certainly use their tactical, logistical and organizational experience and expertise.

As a businessman, I think you'll recognize the financial opportunities a Civilian Tank Corps can provide. As you may know, there are thousands of old and rusting tanks stored on our California deserts. These could be sold by the government and rehabilitated, providing employment for many. With that in mind, I am also sending a copy of this letter to Gov. Brown in the hope that he will offer tax incentives to venture capitalist and companies, much like Gov. Rick Scott did in Florida with Browning and Colt, so they could manufacture AR-15's there. Brown's not a particularly adept businessman/politician, so I'm unsure if he will seize the opportunity. The old tanks, however, are already here so it would be most cost efficient if they were rehabbed and remanufactured in California.

Lastly, I want to reiterate that I am talking about responsible tank ownership. Like yourself, I am of sound mind, with no mental health history nor delusions, as you can ascertain by my letter. Nor do I have any criminal or arrest records. I should easily pass any background checks. Of course, 18 year olds should not be able to purchase and own tanks and my tank will be safely kept under lock and key.

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