Good evening, fellow cultists, Hell-born creatures of unfathomable evil and members of the media. First, apologies for the oppressive cloud of sulfur, the result of Our Mighty and Merciless Overlord Ictharel having incinerated the previous cult president only hours ago. Second, thank you for all the well wishes on my subsequent rise to cult president. Unfortunately, we are here to discuss far more disturbing matters than one of our own being engulfed in a ball of pulsing green flame by the very demigod he served.
We are here to call out the media and certain radical elements for their violent rhetoric demonizing Ictharel the Unclean, Bringer of Armageddon and Devourer of All, as well as those of us who raised him from the depths of the underworld by unholy means. We urge a return to civility, unbiased coverage and reasoned, cool-headed debate.
The name-calling and rude language used by reporters and camera crews as they flee the rolling shadow of His Malevolence Ictharel’s claw-tipped wings are uncalled for. I’ve never heard such vitriol outside the boiling pits during our bi-monthly sacrifices.
Wait, my mistake. Looking at my calendar and the sacrifices are weekly now, which is only appropriate given all the negativity we’re dealing with.
Anyway, that kind of hate speech makes its way into popular culture until everyone is throwing the word “monster” around. And that’s not even accurate, given that “monster” refers to an imaginary creature — imaginary! Look it up. It’s irresponsible at the very least to label Our Diabolical Master Ictharel with this slur when the bony jaws and curling black tongue bearing down on you from the sky are, in fact, very real.
That Ictharel, Belcher of the Churning Ocean of Fire, is openly attacked with violence — holy water, online criticism and shared video of his own actions — is a sign of our society’s decline. Rather than engaging in the exchange of ideas, extremists respond to the razing of cities and scorching of the landscape by inciting anger and sometimes even actively defending themselves and one another rather than yielding in dignified sacrifice.
And let’s take a moment to consider the plight of the swarm of Ictharelian Chimeric Entities (such a mouthful — let’s call them ICE). Ever since they started the campaign of grabbing people off the street to be pulled down through the frozen rings of Hell to its fiery core without so much as a weighing of souls, there has been a sharp uptick in hostility against ICE. We can only assume this is due to unnecessary and biased coverage by the media. It is both disrespectful and hurtful to call them “goat-headed” when their scaly bodies clearly sprout goat, lion and snake heads, all of which breathe fire. It’s body shaming and it won’t be tolerated.
Nor will the injuries they have suffered: strained muscles from yanking human limbs through cracks in the earth, hooves chipped by kicking against human teeth — one lost the twisting tip of one of its horns when a radical hit it with a can of soup. And yet the media ignored the brutality of the mob, choosing instead to villainize a hardworking horde of serpentine ungulates that risks its safety every day just to do its job filling the bowels of the Underworld.
True, some universities have stamped out protest and tossed students onto pyres in the quad. And a few TV networks and news outlets have paid obeisance with flattering profiles, necromantic cult-friendly columnists and more sympathetic programming. (I am personally looking forward to the Hallmark seasonal rom-com His Pestilent Heinousness Ichtharel’s Hometown Holiday.) But there is still the whiff of rebellion drifting between the cubicles.
Yeah, we’re probably going to have to send in the swarm. Here’s hoping they’re met with civility.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the managing editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400 ext. 106, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Bluesky @jfumikocahill.bsky.social.
This article appears in ‘What Else Can We Do?’.
Play deadly games. Win deadly prizes. This is not all fun and games. It’s playing with fire that burns. Really sorry to see NCJ leading the community into cult acceptability. There will be consequences. Not by me other than shining a light on evil that is showing up and business as usual.
Could this be…SATIRE??? Woe unto thee, heretic! May the very sod of your foundation be riven with the Sentinel Gophers of Shame and Decreased Property Value!