Thank you all for tromping out into the woods for this press conference. Let’s get started so we can all return to the safety of fluorescent lighting as soon as possible.
As you know, this administration is very concerned with the environment, particularly our forests. And together with the Department of Government Efficiency, headed up by Elon Musk — I’m sorry, definitely not headed up by Elon Musk — we’re making some big changes regarding forest and wildlife management. We are draining the swamp. In the forest. Was that the swamp we drove by earlier? No? Isn’t a marsh the same thing? OK, the swamp is a metaphor and we’re draining it.
As you can see, we’re surrounded by redwood trees, the tallest in the world, the coastal elites of the plant world. Looking down on real American trees, when they don’t even bear fruit and, according to our records, have not produced a profit in centuries, millennia even. Just sucking up soil nutrients, rainwater and sun, sponging off the system. That’s going to change once we start running this place like a business.
For one thing, our forests will no longer be beholden to the tyranny of DEI — diversity, equity and inclusion programs that have made the woods woke. No more hermaphroditic banana slugs; they’re all male now. OK, not all, that’s gonna be gay. Half. Half are male. And they’re not deciding which ones are male or female themselves, they’ll be assigned at a forestwide gender reveal event overseen by the same 100 percent not creepy doctor who checks little girls’ genitals before they can play softball.
From now on, black and brown bears are just bears, no more obsessing over color. Bears will be distinguished only by size, their ratio of scariness to cuddliness, and whether they are actually made of plastic and filled with honey. Also, Smoky the Bear will be replaced by a polar bear, which, yes, happens to be white, and has historically not had the same spokesbear opportunities.
Which takes me to fire management. As we all know, the increase in devastating wildfires is not due to this supposed “climate change,” but filthy, filthy forest floors. President Trump pointed out in 2020, “You gotta clean your floors, you gotta clean your forests — there are many, many years of leaves and broken trees and they’re like, like, so flammable, you touch them, and it goes up.” By now this place should be clear enough to putt on.
And yet, I see no improvement. Instead, we see inefficient, disorganized, wasteful creatures creating more mess and cleaning nothing. A bunch of squirrels who can’t keep track of where they bury their nuts. Deer that scamper off when you try to hand them a rake. And the racoons, obsessed with hand washing and masks; it’s like an army of fat little Faucis. Well, no more. As of today, 75 percent of you are fired for incompetence.
(*distant chittering*)
Tell your story walking, buddy.
Slashing the number of forest animals will mean less need for preserved habitat, so win-win. Some creatures will be replaced with AI still in development, so, for now we’ll be hot-gluing Tamagotchis to rocks and shrubs to enhance the forest experience. The tracking down of the aforementioned lost nuts is already being outsourced to crypto bros who lost their shirts in the tariff crash. Look at them dig. You’re killing it, Tanner!
There are some exceptions, of course, and here I’m talking about protected species — not the threatened or endangered ones, as they sound kind of like triggered little babies. Protected species like Humboldt martens, however, if they choose to remain under their current status, will need to wear these tiny red hats. Here you go, little guy. Ow! Goddammit. Did that thing have rabies? Its eyes looked a little crazy.
Moving on. This administration has been clear with its position on immigration and the swift, arbitrary and generally lawless manner in which we plan to tackle it. We will apply the same rigor to our handling of invasive species. We have begun reviewing the list of plants and so far, have issued pardons for Scotch broom and European beach grass. Canada thistle and Chilean cordgrass, on the other hand, sound like pretty deportable, very alien enemies.
Yellow bush lupine? Yeah, throw that on an Avelo flight to El Salvador, too.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Bluesky @jfumikocahill.bsky.social.
This article appears in Portrait of a Prairie.
