Chloe’s Legacy
Mourning parents hope to educate through the suicide of their teenage transgender daughter
(Oct. 14, 2010) On the Friday before Labor Day weekend, Karin Fresnel was on her weekly shopping trip at the Eureka Co-op when she noticed that she was being watched — first while standing in the beer aisle, then again at the meat counter. Finally, the petite, blond-haired woman who’d been following her through the store stepped forward and said, “Can I ask you a personal question?”
“My first thought was, ‘I’ve been clocked,’” Fresnel told the Journal last week. As a transgender woman, such confrontations are common. Not three days earlier a stranger on the street had called her “an abomination in the eyes of God.” So, fearing the worst, Fresnel drew herself up to her full height (six-three in heels) and answered, “Yes, you may, and yes, I’m trans.”
But the woman wasn’t looking to insult. “Her response was, ‘Oh, thank God. Do you know of any resources up here? My son … daughter … is transitioning.” This woman was Allison Murphy of Clovis, a rodeo-loving suburb six miles northeast of Fresno. She was in town visiting her 18-year-old daughter, Chloe, who until last year was known only as Justin. Murphy, the portrait of a concerned mom, had unknowingly stumbled across an ideal resource. Not only is Fresnel a trans woman, she’s also involved in numerous organizations that fight discrimination against lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and sexually ambiguous persons, including Humboldt Pride, which she co-chairs.
Fresnel and Murphy talked for nearly an hour in the aisles of the Co-op, and three days later they met up again — this time with Chloe. “She asked lots of questions,” Fresnel said. Chloe had been suffering from severe depression and crippling anxiety for years, but on this day, in the company of her mom and someone who could finally answer her questions, she seemed hopeful, even happy, Fresnel said. “The expression ‘bright as a penny’ came to mind when I met her.”
On Sept. 24, 18 days after this meeting, Chloe committed suicide. She was 10 days shy of her 19th birthday.
Chloe’s premature death follows a series of suicides among LGBT youths, including Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi, who killed himself after his roommate surreptitiously filmed him having sex, and 13-year-old Seth Walsh, who was bullied for being gay. Nationwide, no fewer than seven gay teens have killed themselves in the past month, according to nonprofit civil rights group Equality Forum. This rash of deaths has inspired a nationwide movement that includes a push for stricter anti-bullying legislation (The Safe Schools Improvement Act of 2010), a YouTube channel for troubled LGBT youths (the It Gets Better Project) and a series of rallies across the country, including one organized by the Arcata-Eureka chapter of Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), held Friday evening on the steps of the county courthouse.
Murphy and her husband, Sean Dempsey, drove up from Clovis to attend the rally and share Chloe’s story. They hope that by doing so they can help other parents understand LGBT issues and help teens see that they’re not alone. The transgender population in particular has dramatically increased rates of suicide and suicide ideation. In a 2009 study by the Massachusetts Department of Public Health, more than 30 percent of transgender respondents said they’d seriously considered suicide in the previous year, compared to 4.4 percent among gays/lesbians and 2.3 percent among heterosexuals. Fresnel sympathizes with this impulse all too well: She’s a survivor of six suicide attempts, as she told the crowd of more than 100 supporters at last weekend’s rally. “I don’t intend there to be a seventh,” she said, prompting cheers of support.
Murphy climbed the steps to the podium, where she took the microphone and, with tears in her eyes, told the crowd about Chloe, her only child. Many in attendance personally thanked her for doing so. After the rally, Chloe’s parents headed over to the Lost Coast Brewery where they revealed more details of Chloe’s abbreviated life. Murphy spoke of Justin and Chloe as two separate people who, for a time, happened to share one body. Justin was the child she had when she herself was only 18, the boy who wanted to be a sniper, loved snowboarding and covered his room in camouflage. Chloe was the kid who felt weird on the day in kindergarten when students were separated by gender and she was lumped in with the boys. She was the person who believed deep down that there was something weird about her, that she must be some kind of freak. And she’s the one who in seventh grade caught an Oprah Winfrey-type talk show about transgender people and had an epiphany: That’s me.
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30 Comments
Comment / By Gwen Beale / Oct. 14, 2010, 9:41 a.m.
To Chloe: I’m sorry I never got to meet you face to face. You are my friend and little sister, and I will miss you.
To Allison: Karin and I love you and we’re very proud of what you are doing in Chloe’s memory and for the benefit of our community!
To Ryan Burns, author of this article: Thank you for your kind and compassionate report of these tragic events and Chloe’s family’s strength and love for her.
Hugs! Gwen Beale (Karin Fresnel’s partner)
Comment / By Allison / Oct. 14, 2010, 11:29 a.m.
This is so sad! I started crying when I read this. I’ve wanted my own mother to be like Chloe’s mom so much!
Allison, I am so sorry for your loss. Chloe was so very lucky to have a wonderful mother and friend in you.
Comment / By Marcy / Oct. 14, 2010, 1:21 p.m.
Like Chloe in kindergarten I felt the same way. But growing up in the 60’s there was nothing and nobody to turn too. I tried suicide twice and survived both. I stayed locked away inside myself until last year when I told my mother and daughters. I’m now 54 and out fully to everyone. I know I’m a late bloomer, but I only look forward and try to help those who follow. And wish I could’ve met her to tell her it does get better. I held out as long as I could. I would’ve taken her as my younger sister and helped anyway possible. Chloe if you see this know that there alot of others that felt the pain you did. And you will be remembered always.
Comment / By Emily… AKA Frenchie / Oct. 14, 2010, 6:04 p.m.
Allison, i am so sorry for your loss. Justin “Chloe” was one of my best friends. we graduated together and i just wish that she had come up to me and told me that she felt this way. that she was a female trapped in a males body. i would have been more than supportive. i just wished that Chloe would have realized how many people would have supported her. i am very glad to hear what you are doing. by spreading the word and helping transgenders, maybe there would be less suicides. they need to understand that there are people who accept this and suicide is not the way out. i wish you all the luck. with love…
Comment / By Jeanie / Oct. 15, 2010, 12:06 a.m.
Never too early, never too late! I’ll be looking for Chloe everywhere…..
Comment / By Carly Gallant / Oct. 15, 2010, 3:13 a.m.
Allison, I am so proud of you. You exhibit an amazing amount of strength which makes me admire you. Getting this knowledge out there is the only way that ‘awareness’ can happen, which will in return, sooner or later…generate acceptance. i can only hope you are my cousin and my family and so was chloe; i only wish i could have met her face to face. through you, she will be remembered, and i say without a doubt, that what you and sean are doing is going to save lives. lots of love!!!
Comment / By Christi / Oct. 15, 2010, 5:37 a.m.
This article brought tears to my eyes. Allison, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you all - Allison, Karin, and Ryan - for all that you’re doing to make the world a better place.
Comment / By Chloe_S / Oct. 15, 2010, 8:21 a.m.
I am in my late 50’s and starting the transitioning process now. The statistics for transgender suicide attempts are atrocious: 41% vs 1.6% for the general population. I have spent a lifetime on the edge and only since deciding to transition have I backed away. The need for education and support - especially for the young and very young - could not be emphasized enough. Thank you, Allison.
Comment / By Stephanie Silberstein / Oct. 15, 2010, 9:30 a.m.
I am so sorry for your loss.I wish Chloe could have realized that it was okay to be Transgender, and that despite the hurdles Transgender people face, she could have found happiness.
Comment / By Heather / Oct. 15, 2010, 9:32 a.m.
YOU ALL ARE SICK!
Comment / By paige / Oct. 15, 2010, 10:33 a.m.
What do u mean we are all sick!!! Ur the one who is sick ! Justin was one of my friends I never got to meet chloe but I really wish I had. Justin was such a free spirit and I’m so proud of u guys for keeping his love and his spirit alive. R.I.p justin brian chloe anne lacey you will never be forgotten!
Comment / By Bill Wenham / Oct. 15, 2010, 12:29 p.m.
This article brought tears to my eyes. As hard enough as it is growing up as a homosexual in this world, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to grow up transgendered. I’ve known no less than three on a person level and their stories are deeply moving.
It’s always extremely troubling when I watch a YouTube video on It Gets Better or read an article online about suicide and someone comes on an leaves a hateful comment, such as Heather’s above.
Show some respect for the deceased. Even if you can’t show any for the living.
Comment / By Joel Mielke / Oct. 16, 2010, 8:47 p.m.
My reaction to this piece was much like Mr. Wenham’s (above), tears and all. I admire Allison Murphy, and I’m sure that Chloe would be proud of her.
Comment / By Mary / Oct. 16, 2010, 9:15 p.m.
As another mother of a transgender child here in Humboldt County I can only send my love, deep sympathy and care to you Allison. I am sooooo sorry that Chloe took her life and that we were not able to help her soon enough. Thank you for reaching out to others and for taking on the cause even in the midst of your own loss. There are many support groups for the parents of transkids that can help (Trans Youth Family Allies, Gender Spectrum, TransKidsFamily and more). We are all working together to secure a safe future for our children.
Comment / By Catherine / Oct. 16, 2010, 11:15 p.m.
Allison, I offer my deepest sympathy for the loss of your daughter. As a mother of 3 children, I can only imagine the pain you must feel and I am sorry that your daughter was not able to find the support she needed despite your best efforts. I am happy that you have been able to find some comfort in helping others and want to tell you how much I appreciate your efforts. Because of people like you, more and more people are becoming aware of this issue and more and more children are coming out to their parents at an early age where they can begin their journey to transition and foremost make positive changes before it’s too late. One of these children is my child, a 14 yo MTF.
Thank you!
Comment / By Angelina / Oct. 17, 2010, 8:35 a.m.
This is so tragic. I had tears running down my face while reading this story. Allison, you are so brave and you should be proud of all your doing and have done. My deepest sympathy for you loss. I have a homosexual father and I fear for years that he would end his life. (he is now openly and joyfully completely out of the “closet”) It is haters like HEATHER that can push some one over the edge. HEATHER you make me sick!
Comment / By ForChloe / Oct. 17, 2010, 9:59 p.m.
For Chloe.
vimeo.com/15893713
Comment / By Stu / Oct. 20, 2010, 12:10 p.m.
There is too much of this going on when will it end. This story as did another this morning brought tears to my eyes. Those teenage years are so difficult even for straight well adjusted kids I can imagine what it must be like for GLBT kids. The kids 1st have to realize that things will get better as many out GLBT stars are saying and 2 it is a temporary problem that can’t be fixed with a permanent solution. My heart goes out to all who suffer from this
Comment / By please / Oct. 20, 2010, 2:46 p.m.
I’m hesitant to post this, but. It’s really painful to watch people use incorrect pronouns, or her unwanted male alias. Please, don’t use it. I know it’s difficult to understand, and maybe you didn’t even get to know of her that way. But there may be other youth watching, on the edge of giving up because they feel alone and know that people won’t understand. Please, try to accept her, accept that she died as Chloe, not “Chloe”. Honor her, not the image that caused her so much pain.
Comment / By Chloe / Oct. 20, 2010, 5:25 p.m.
No, you are absolutly right (above), in fact I felt the need to ask that even the filename for her picture be corrected from “Justin” to Chloe, as it should be. Out of respect for her memory, out of love for her.
Comment / By Tina / Oct. 20, 2010, 7:33 p.m.
This is a very sad story. Why do people bring so much hatred into the world - what is the benefit of that? I feel sad for the fact that Chloe and her family will miss out on the joyful moments she would have had in her future life. God bless her parents for being so loving, and thanks for writing such a wonderful and respectful article.
Comment / By Thirdeye / Oct. 20, 2010, 9:05 p.m.
The trans suicide stats are mind-boggling. About 8x the rate for gays? It seems there’s more than just a lack of social acceptance as a cause.
Comment / By Emily / Oct. 21, 2010, 8:06 a.m.
Thank you so much for this lovely article. I was so sad to hear about Chloe and wish so much that we had a society which didn’t put trans people through such torture. I’ve been there, but had the luck to find my way through the path. I so wish that Chloe had found her way, too.
Comment / By Lisa / Oct. 21, 2010, 9:57 a.m.
As a parent and African American ally turned advocate for LGBTQ people, my heart breaks for Chloe and her family. Thank you for this story. I hope and pray that it will help open the eyes and mouths of the growing numbers of straight LGBTQ allies like me because OUR SILENCE IS KILLING PEOPLE literally. Please, please open your eyes and raise your voice to whomever you can, wherever you can, whenever you can!!
To all who are willing, please go to YouTube and check out “Voices of Equality” and help the Maryland Black Family Alliance do our work. You may be surprised at what you see and hear there.
RIP Chloe, Tyler, and all of the precious people we have lost due to hatred, apathy, and silence. “People get ready, a change is comin….”
Comment / By selena / Oct. 23, 2010, 12:55 a.m.
Rest in Peace Chloe, I love you and ALL my Transgender community. The repeated pain we suffer hurts me deeply. Allison, I am the Parent of an eight year old, I am terrified at times, I as a Transgender Woman I do not suffer discrimination or harassment, I am hoping my child does not either, but fear is still there for me.
Comment / By Jack Fertig / Oct. 23, 2010, 1:52 p.m.
My heart goes out to Chloe’s family and friends. Having been a gay kid who thought a lot about suicide (OK… that was a LONG time ago!) I take these stories very personally, with tears of sorrow and anger.
Another GLBT kid….. damn, damn, damn…. And there’s no record here of bullying, so while that is a very real problem it’s wrong to focus entirely on bullying. We need to be aware of homo-, bi-, and transphobia as they permeate society. We need to be attentive and supportive to GLBT youth and make resources universally accessible in ALL schools, in ALL classes. F*** people who are “offended” at hearing about us being equal as human beings. Any sane person should be more offended that children are dying of hatred.
Comment / By I love you / Oct. 24, 2010, 12:03 a.m.
I’m thinking of you tonight.
Comment / By LizLaVenture / Oct. 30, 2010, 2:01 p.m.
Chloe you are an inspiration! Chloe’s family, so sorry for your loss!
Comment / By Allison Murphy / Aug. 4, 2011, 8:32 p.m.
Thank you to all that wrote such touching words of Love and Support, I am blessed with them. Karin, thank you for showing me your Love. You could have told me to screw off in the store, instead your heart opened up and you shared it with me. I soaked it up like a Mother trying to save her Daughters life. Ryan, you are an amazing reporter. Your words are written so powerful in explaining our time spent together. I had a difficult time saying what I wanted to, however you have written straight from my heart, amazing. I read this and it empowers me all over again. Thank you Ryan.
We all must find in our hearts the power to love and respect one another, we are Gods precious creatures just the way we are. I truly believe we are getting to a better place in society with accepting GLBT rights. One heart at a time, I promise to try and show others, we all bleed red. There is so much pain in the world, why would we want to create more with how we think others should be. We are unique. We should all have the right to be free. Being who you are is why we have diversity, we must have this. Conforming is a one sided thought process.
Please, really think about how your words can push people into fear, push them back inside. Your words can hold so much power. Do you want that to be positive or negative power? Why would you say something to hurt another? What gain do you have from that? It can be a vicious cycle, even for yourself. Finding happiness in hurting others is incredibly selfish and self destructive. Smiling is free, hugging is free and supportive in many ways. You might just save someones life by doing so. I admire people that go out of their way to brighten a strangers day.
Heather, I will pray for you. I pray that you never have to feel the pain that my Chloe Anne did, nor I now. I am smiling at you Heather, as I wish you peace always. God bless you.
Rest in Peace my Beautiful Baby Girl, Momma misses you, Chloe Anne Lacey 10-04-1991 / 09-24-2010
Comment / By mike / Nov. 1, 2011, 9:36 p.m.
I first want to send my love to Chloe’s family, and to the spirit of Chloe. The hatred and intolerance that the transgender community faces is absolutely ridiculous. And last night on Halloween I experienced it first hand upon my own flesh. I do drag and have since I was a child. Label me a crossdresser are whatever you wish. I was out as Isis last night and while texting a friend I was shoved from behind and called a faggot. After picking up my cell phone I turned to confront the person and was called to fight them which I did not. I simply let them know what I thought of their actions. Less than 10 minutes later while I was walking to find my friend before I went home I was struck in the back of the head with a baton, punched in the face repeatedly, had my purse ripped from my hands, and was taken to the ground while trying to defend myself in 4” heels. I sustained a concussion, large head wound and a very sore jaw. All because I am strong enough to openly express my female half. I’ve been shamed and made to feel guilty my entire life because of my desire to express myself in such a way, but this tops it. And we must stand up to this starting right here in our community. Nobody should be afraid to express themselves……. EVER! To my assailants, I do not fear you nor will I stop expressing myself. I look forward to healing this world by being myself in hopes that no one else experiences physical violence, or is driven to make the decision Chloe did. I bled for all of us last night, and will do it again if I have to. Blessings to all, especially to those who hate.