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July 20, 2006
23 Questions for John Thompson
by HEIDI WALTERS
 By
now you've all heard about how the Trees of Mystery, our redwood
redoubt up in Del Norte County, is included in the Department
of Homeland Security's National Asset Database. The database,
intended to be a list of critical infrastructure and key assets
to aid the country's anti-terrorism efforts, took a turn for
the Americana when the DHS asked states to contribute to the
list. As of June 2006, among the 77,069 assets tallied were a
petting zoo, a flea market, an Amish popcorn farm, an Apple and
Pork Festival, an ice cream parlor and a muzzle shoot enterprise.
News headlines echoed the revelation: "A Kernel of Sleuth"
(Press & Sun-Bulletin); "Are Kangaroos a Terrorist
Target?" (WXIA-TV, GA); and, our fave, "Another roadside
terror attraction" (Berkshire Eagle, MA). It was,
as the Denver Post said in its headline, a "Zany
approach to terror list."
Unless, of course, you follow the George W. Bush
line of thinking, which is that the terrorists really do hate
our way of life — hate our culture, hate our amusements.
Or, perhaps you might suspect that the chambers of commerce of
the states in which the dubious targets reside had a hand in
the list-making. What better way to hawk an attraction than to
add a little patriotic danger or, dare we say, a tad more mystery
to the package? Hey, life gives you lemons....
But that's way too cynical for us. We're banking
on the Trees of Mystery being a potential real target. It frightens
us. (For potential lines of attack, see the Buhne Tribune:
buhnetribune.blogspot.com.)
We called John Thompson, manager of the T of M,
to ask him about his plan of defense and to see if he could put
our minds at ease. OK, actually we were just trying to hitch
a free ride on the media merry-go-round, maybe play this Trees
of Mystery man for a laugh. Thompson, though — smart man,
BS in Physics from HSU — just played us right back.
Above: Paul and Babe stand tall at Trees of
Mystery.
1. Were you surprised to hear that the Trees
of Mystery is a potential terrorist target?
What's the probability of that?
2. Well, right. But were you surprised?
In that I didn't know they were making a list,
yes. Nobody told us about it. But this is just a list of assets
submitted by local, state and federal authorities. It includes
everything from major assets ... on down to the little family-run
business like ours.
3. How long has your family run the Trees of
Mystery?
We're celebrating our 60th anniversary this year
of our family owning it. It was started in 1931 by Carl Bruno.
4. Why do you suppose you made the list?
Heidi, have you ever been here?!
5. When I was a kid. But —
Heidi! You have to do something about that! Do
you remember it?
6. Um, no. Mostly I just remember the "Trees
of Mystery!" signs on the road. But why do you think you
made the list?
We are the bigger tadpole in this mudpuddle. We
have 200,000 visitors annually, and we don't have anything else
like that in Del Norte County. But you know, an asset database
can be useful, whether there's a hurricane, like Katrina in the
South, or a tidal wave or a flood. Maybe the Sheriff's Department
submitted our name, I don't know.
7. Why are the trees mysterious?
In this particular grove of trees, we have so many
unusual trees. There are few normal ones.
8. Why?
That's the mystery. These things are hundreds if
not thousands of years old. There are trees growing out and back
into themselves. There's the family tree, with 12 trunks. The
cathedral tree — the main trunk fell down years ago and
nine trunks grew up from it in a half-circle. We have weddings
there. Then, in 2001, we opened a new attraction, the Sky Trail.
[That's a gondola that soars the visitor through the canopy.]
9. When was the last time these trees were threatened
by something?
In the '80s there was the big forest fire to the
east of us, and it was going west. The CDF flew over and said
the ocean would stop it. We were between it and the ocean. But
the firefighters stopped it. We've been logged all the way around
us, but that's not a "threat." We're high enough that
in the floods of '55, '56, '64 and '97 we were a refuge center.
The tsunami, we were high enough not to be affected by that.
But have you heard of the Gorda Plate? It's our
San Andreas Fault, out in the ocean. Chances are it could set
off a 300-foot-high tsunami. That would be Eureka, Arcata, here.
And the time between the earthquake and it hitting would be 10
minutes. And so having that database of assets, of contact numbers
and such, they could be putting out all sorts of warnings. It's
good for many more things than just a terrorist threat.
10. OK, but if terrorists do attack the Trees
of Mystery, how do you think they will go about it?
Well. OK, there was just a terrorist attack in
India — Bombay — several bombs in the train system.
Killed 200 people. In my gift shop, every day there are 200 people.
Except, their [the terrorists'] only problem is that it would
take the media three days to get here, and a lot of this is done
for publicity. If it happens in a vacuum, it doesn't do them
any good.
11. Would this publicity, over the assets database,
help you?
If you spell my name right, sure it does.
12. Huh? Um, how do you spell your name?
Trees of Mystery.
13. OK. And John — J-o-h-n...
You were supposed to catch the reference.
14. Oh?
You asked if the publicity would help me, and I
said, "If you spell my name right." Someone famous
said it... I can't remember who.
15. Ah. It must stink to have to spell out a
joke.
[Sighing] It's not a joke, it's a historical reference.
16. So, uh, just play along with me here. If
terrorists do strike, what's your plan of defense?
The limit of 1 over N as N approaches infinity
is called a non-zero improbability. What that means is, it's
not absolutely impossible, because there are no absolutes in
this universe. Anything can happen. Is that probability significant?
No. And that's what I think of this issue. But I do think it's
good they have a database, especially for natural disasters.
17. I was going to ask you a silly question,
next, about that Paul Bunyan character, and Babe the Blue Ox,
about how maybe they could be conscripted into a terrorist plot.
I guess that's sorta silly.
It's pretty silly. Heidi! Don't you remember Paul?
Didn't he talk to you?
18. No, I don't remember Paul. But see, that
right there, that's a little creepy. He's inanimate, and yet
he's talking to people.
He's not inanimate!
19. Yes, he is!
No, he's not. He waves and he winks, his mouth
opens and he speaks.
20. Oh, OK. Wrong word. All right then. So,
you've got one tree there called the Brotherhood Tree, which
your website says was "named for the hope for the brotherhood
of man." Kinda ironic, isn't it?
Well, we're not terrorists, so we do believe in
the brotherhood of man.
21. But, in the context of the database —
oh, never mind. Do you worry that being on the list might now
ensure that the Trees of Mystery becomes a target?
No.
22. How's business these days?
It's great!
23. Why?
That's a good question. Despite the high price
of gas, we're doing really well this year, a lot more people
and dollars. So it's a very pleasant surprise. I have a hypothesis:
that people are taking shorter trips and perhaps less expensive
trips, which means people in our greater geographical area are
staying within a short distance of home. And that means they
will come visit us. You can spend the better part of a day here,
see lots of beautiful and unexpected things. Ride the gondola.
From our observation deck you can see the ocean, and looking
east you can see this beautiful watershed, and the redwood forest.
I mean, so what? We're on the asset list. I bet
the Carson Mansion and your mall are on it, too. And if they're
not, they should be.
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