(March 5, 2020)
Pssst! Hey man, wanna smoke some eelgrass?" asked an imaginary stranger. I was like, "Why would I? And who are you, anyway?" "I represent all of your imaginary friends, relatives,...
(January 30, 2020)
Once while wading in a little cove during a beautiful sunrise, I noticed a harbor porpoise swimming surprisingly close to me. And she had a tiny baby porpoise at...
(December 12, 2019)
I sometimes ask myself whether I'm beautiful. It's always a short conversation. Then I wonder what exactly "beauty" is anyway. I'm wondering about attractiveness, or "sexual beauty." But that isn't...
(October 31, 2019)
I apologize in advance to anyone who didn't want to be transported to this alternate universe just now. But you can relax because the only difference between this new universe...
(September 19, 2019)
I spotted the hairiest and smelliest hippie ever in the woods one day. But he lumbered away looking back over his shoulder. Then, unseen, he taught me how to communicate...
(August 22, 2019)
"Mommy, Mommy! Look what I found!" "STFU! I'm watching my GDMF shows!" "But Mommy, I found a giant octopus ..." "BFD!" "But Mommy, this is a giant Pacific octopus! She...
(July 25, 2019)
Would you like to learn how to talk to fish like I do? It's easy. Try starting with small talk like, "Sorry about that hook in your face, buddy. How's...
(June 13, 2019)
I don't usually advocate violence. But beachcombing for agates is one of my exceptions. Use the following info and tips to get an edge on the retirees and their horrible...
(May 9, 2019)
I dumped my old imaginary friend. My new one is a woman. She's great. You'll meet her in a sec. She helped me solve the greatest mystery of my local...
(April 18, 2019)
I can tell from comments on my previous story that space aliens read this paper. So I'm providing them with my abduction instructions here. (Pro-tip for other Chosen Ones: Clip...
