Life as a Beach

Life as a Beach

(April 8, 2021) I woke up this morning to find that I'm no longer human. I'm a beach! I'm a dynamic beach with large surf breaking over me. The waves erode the large...

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The Monkey and the Pipefish

(March 11, 2021) I enjoy beachcombing for many reasons but walking in sand isn't one of them. So I hired an out-of-work circus monkey named Frank to help me. He's super cute in...

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The Beachcombing Olympics

(February 4, 2021) The 2024 Olympic qualifying trials in beachcombing are about to start right here in Humboldt! I'm hoping to represent Team USA in the 10,000-meter freestyle beachcomb. I'm up against a...

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Surf Smelt Crime Spree

(January 7, 2021) I've noticed recently that once a person commits enough crimes in plain sight, all their subsequent crimes are basically freebies. One life sentence, 12 life sentences ... who cares? And...

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Getting Out of Your Shell

(December 10, 2020) I answered the doorbell and found Wonder Woman standing there in full costume. She explained that she was a space alien telepathically disguising herself. In order to gain acceptance, they...

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Purple Baby Boom

(November 12, 2020) Purple surf happens. I've seen it only once locally — in July about five years ago. But purple scum on the beach last month could indicate that it had happened...

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Molluscs and Murder

(October 15, 2020) Well, I was acquitted of murder again. This time I had beaten a man to death with my bare knuckles because he called a scallop a "clam." The judge agreed...

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Raised by Otters

(September 17, 2020) Over the years I have found three dead North American river otters (Lontra canadensis) washed up on local beaches. One of them had worn teeth, so may have lived...

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Bagging a Lingcod Skull

(August 6, 2020) Woohoo! I got me a professional beachcombing sponsorship. The good folks at Drip-Block Plastic Bags will cover all my beach-related expenses and I just have to be a pretty face,...

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Pandemic Beach Finds

(June 25, 2020) I was born on the beach. Actually, it was about 4 feet above the beach. My mother was a competitive beach volleyball player. She leapt for a big spike...

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