Hake on the Menu

(May 18, 2023) As a billionaire, I'm told I should do something good for the planet. That's B.S., of course, but I opened a sustainable seafood restaurant to make it look like I...

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Family-friendly Fionas

(April 20, 2023) A bewildered-looking clown walked onto the stage, so I said, "Please welcome marine biology clown Max Winkle to Washed Up Family Science Hour!" "Today we'll be learning about a sea...

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Foam Club

(February 23, 2023) My classified ad: "For $100 I'll bring liquor and fight you at the beach." My first client was a little skinny guy. We downed the bottle like rockstars and went...

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Sea Cucumber Umbrage

(January 19, 2023) The DJ said, "It's the top of the goddam hour and you're listening to sea cucumber radio. Nothing but rock! Request lines are open." So, I called and said, "Did...

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Beach Goo Blues

(October 20, 2022) Try this experiment: Cut yourself into two equal halves. I recommend a chainsaw for efficiency, but maybe you are good with an ax or have a bread knife handy....

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Hot Surfperch Moms

(September 15, 2022) One day I found myself stuck in an elevator with a beautiful pregnant female. Just to make both of us less uncomfortable, I said, "Hey babe, I ain't into knocked-up...

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No Crabs Allowed

(August 18, 2022) The large sign over the archway said: "Welcome to Pillowburg Resort and Spa!" The small sign next to it said: "No Crabs Allowed." The guard, a flabby sea slug,...

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The Nitty Gritty on Sand

(July 14, 2022) During my Washed Up World Tour performance at London's Royal Albert Hall, I wanted to hear funny accents, so I did a Q&A session. Someone asked what's the most common...

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Gimme an Anemone

(June 16, 2022) One drawback of beachcombing is the lack of cheerleaders. So, I assembled my own crew of former NFL and CFL cheerleaders who had been fired for various deviant behaviors. I...

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