Pandemic Beach Finds

(June 25, 2020) I was born on the beach. Actually, it was about 4 feet above the beach. My mother was a competitive beach volleyball player. She leapt for a big spike...

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Pass the Eelgrass

(March 5, 2020) Pssst! Hey man, wanna smoke some eelgrass?" asked an imaginary stranger. I was like, "Why would I? And who are you, anyway?" "I represent all of your imaginary friends, relatives,...

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Wiener Dog of the Sea

Aka harbor porpoises

(January 30, 2020) Once while wading in a little cove during a beautiful sunrise, I noticed a harbor porpoise swimming surprisingly close to me. And she had a tiny baby porpoise at...

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Sexy, Sexy Herring

(December 12, 2019) I sometimes ask myself whether I'm beautiful. It's always a short conversation. Then I wonder what exactly "beauty" is anyway. I'm wondering about attractiveness, or "sexual beauty." But that isn't...

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Witch/Fossil Hunt!

Beachcombing for the real thing

(October 31, 2019) I apologize in advance to anyone who didn't want to be transported to this alternate universe just now. But you can relax because the only difference between this new universe...

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LampshellLosers

(September 19, 2019) I spotted the hairiest and smelliest hippie ever in the woods one day. But he lumbered away looking back over his shoulder. Then, unseen, he taught me how to communicate...

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Octopus Moms

(August 22, 2019) "Mommy, Mommy! Look what I found!" "STFU! I'm watching my GDMF shows!" "But Mommy, I found a giant octopus ..." "BFD!" "But Mommy, this is a giant Pacific octopus! She...

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No Disrespect

(July 25, 2019) Would you like to learn how to talk to fish like I do? It's easy. Try starting with small talk like, "Sorry about that hook in your face, buddy. How's...

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