In Case of Emergency, Break Glass 

Bringing an entirely new meaning to the term "functional glass art," a Canadian dispensary employee recently fought off armed robbers with nothing but a 2-foot glass bong.

Surveillance video of the attempted robbery, which has since gone viral, shows two employees — one male and one female — enter the dispensary trailed by an adorable, rabbit-sized dog. They mill around for a few minutes, apparently setting up shop for the day, when what can only be described as three of the most inept robbers imaginable storm the establishment. One sprays a canister of bear spray wildly in the employees' direction as another shouts, "Get the fuck down."

Undaunted, the male employee appears to dodge the spray, ducking behind the counter, only to emerge wielding an approximately 2-foot glass bong, which he grips like a bat and swings at the intruders. They engage in a sort of shuffling standoff before one of the robbers picks up a recycling bin, prompting the employee to ask, without a hint of irony in his voice, "What are you going to do with that?"

The robber then hurls the plastic bin at the employee, who adeptly dodges it before resuming his bong-wielding, fighting stance and backing the robbers out of the store, at which point he breaks the bong, shouting, "Let's fucking go, bitches."

A commenter on the YouTube video, which had more than 350,000 views as the Journal went to press, informs us that neither of the employees were seriously injured in the exchange, though the little pooch had to be taken to an animal hospital to be treated for the bear spray.

The moral of the story seems to be that we can no longer snicker when passing a "functional glass art" gallery. That and tip your budtenders.

In what was easily the most bizarre news of the week and the latest sign that the apocalypse is indeed upon us, BNN Bloomberg broke news that Coca-Cola is in "serious talks" with a Canadian company to make a cannabis-infused beverage.

Coca-Cola issued a statement on the report, saying the company has "no interest in marijuana or cannabis" but is "closely watching" the growth of CBD products, apparently unaware of where those purportedly magical CBDs come from.

The beverage is not going to fall into the "'recovery drink' category," according to the report, though it's unclear exactly what CBDs combined with caffeine and a metric shit-ton of sugar might help you "recover" from. Nonetheless, the report sent stock prices for the Canadian company — Aurora Cannabis — soaring 17 percent.

In more serious news, Humboldt County native Hezekiah Allen has announced he is stepping down from his role as executive director of the California Growers Association. Allen, who has helmed the association since March of 2014, told Marijuana Business Daily that he will continue serving the association as a "volunteer managing director" until the end of the year.

He also said he has recommended that the association's board of directors not hire a replacement executive director and instead bring on additional staff and have board members take more of a leadership role in activism going forward. As to Allen's future, he says he's developing a holding company, Cooperative California, that seeks out "cooperative economics" in the industry.

He told Marijuana Business Daily he has some big goals, including making statewide cultivation cooperatives that will control 30 percent of California's cannabis flower market by 2023.

Allen also told the Times-Standard that he'll be joining Emerald Grown, a cooperative that works will small farms to bundle their marketing strategies and products.

Thadeus Greenson is the Journal's news editor. Reach him at 442-1400, extension 321, or [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @thadeusgreenson.