Humboldt After Trump 

Editor's note: This is one in a series of opinion pieces solicited by the Journal. In the immediate aftermath of Nov. 8, it became very clear that people need safe spaces to discuss their ideas and feelings, and generally process what was the ugliest and most vitriolic presidential contest in generations. To that end, we reached out to a variety of community stakeholders, people who we felt could help starts this community dialogue. The response was overwhelming, and a full list of submissions complete with links can be found at the bottom of this post. We hope you'll also join the conversation by commenting online, writing letters to the editor and talking to each other.

Humboldt after Trump? It's gonna be huge. We've got the best timber, the best pot, the best pot and world-class, terrific pot. Absolutely the best, and nothing but the best. Now we've got the world's best negotiator as president and he's a celebrity, too, and Humboldt pot and Humboldt trees will be getting exported so fast. So fast. It'll be terrific.

He's gonnna force Humboldt old growth down the throats of the Chinese, and the Russians are going to take it just because they love him so, so much. The ships sailing out of Humboldt Bay are going to be so heavy some would sink, except they'll be afraid to sink once President Trump is in charge. Physics is overrun with liberal, can't-do, end-of-the-world-spouting losers, and we don't need their negativity any longer. Anybody sinks a ship, we just torture 'em to find out why.

Every formerly unemployed timber worker is going to be hard at work cutting in Redwood National Timberland, and that's going to mean two years of big, big money for workers. Why only two years? Maybe all the timber will be gone in two years, or maybe the robotic trucks and tree-falling systems will be ready in two years. Who knows? It's two more years to learn how to code, so make good use of it, boys.

Pot's gonna be huge. You think the market's big now — Trump's going to have the Mexicans buying Humboldt pot. It's true — believe me, believe me! The Arab states and North Korea, too: His foreign policy is going to be to stone them out of the bomb age. You ever see an ISIS fighter look stoned?

For foreign aid, Trump's going to provide free coupons to Humboldt's casinos, because the president feels for his Native Americans and knows that entrepreneurial gaming centers can do for them what they did for Atlantic City, at least until the third bankruptcy.

With all that pot getting grown legally, Humboldt's gonna be rolling in the sort of money we used to associate only with Irish potato farmers and Appalachian whiskey bottlers. There's going to be jobs, jobs, jobs.

Sure, some jobs will be for marketing executives and "creative" in New York and San Francisco, some will be for rust-belt engineers to develop world-class trimming robots, joint rolling machines and cellophanization equipment. Sure, some jobs will be for accountants and lawyers living on various tax haven islands.

But lots of jobs will be farm workers plucking bud right here in good old Humboldt, making the sort of wages cotton pickers used to make back in the South, once the damned political elites regulated slavery away. And, by the way, those plantation owners were heroes, all of them, because, boy, were they rich!

But Humboldt's got more to export than just old growth redwood and pot: We've got Cypress Grove Chevre, assisted living residents, vintage U.S. OUT OF HUMBOLDT bumper stickers, burl sculpture. It's called a diversified economy, folks.

To be brutally honest, the chevre is going to be iffy. Chevre isn't as populist as burl sculpture. So a little rebranding is going to be needed, but what does Humboldt have in spades? Rebranding specialists, until now limited to the pot industry and formerly-Republican politicians. They're going to be able to branch out.. With a good campaign, Cypress Grove Chevre is going to be synonymous with big manhood and big hands, and the McChevre and Taco Bell's Cypress Grove Chevre Taco Supremo are going to create work for scores of Humboldt goatherds.

There's going to be a boom in tourism. The Gloat All You Like Paintball Grounds and Hippie Museum are going to attract families from around the country to the former Redwood Acres Fairgrounds. Would-be trimmigrants who arrive in Humboldt without airfare home will end up working at the grounds as human targets for Timmy and Tiffany from Kansas until they can earn airfare home. And with the new federal laws forbidding California from enacting its too-damn-high minimum wage laws, earning that airfare is going to take years.

And let's not forget how Humboldt's going to benefit from the coming wars. How will we benefit from wars? Think of the infrastructure that will need rebuilding. It will be terrific. Believe me.

Mitch Trachtenberg is a local programmer and freelance writer.

Submissions from NAACP of Eureka First Vice President Liz Smith, local attorney and U.S. Army reservist Allan Dollison, North Coast People's Alliance Steering Committee Member Tamara McFarland, Eureka Police Chief Andrew Mills, Humboldt County Central Democratic Committee Chair Bob Service, local programmer and freelance writer Mitch Trachtenberg, Humboldt County Green Party Chair Dana Silvernale, Rabbi Naomi Steinberg, Humboldt State University assistant professor of history Leena Dallesheh, Friends of the Eel River Executive Director Scott Greacen and League of Women Voters Humboldt County President Rollin Richmond can be found by clicking their names.