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Cannabis Strains for 2019 Stress* 

*that we wish were real

click to enlarge YOUTUBE.COM/OLIVIAJADE. ILLUSTRATION BY JONATHAN WEBSTER.

Ivy Express. Soothing notes of yacht deck wax and bubble sheet are the result of crossing Legacy Pledge and Aunt Becky. Together, they replace parental worry over your child's future with the relaxed confidence of 1-percenters who've bought their underachieving offspring's way into a name-brand university with alacrity — a word their kid will never need to study for the SATs.

Rip Van 2020. Steady, judicious dosing with this hybrid of Iowa Haze and Purple Swing State in edible form will get you through the primaries only vaguely aware of the ups and downs of the presidential campaign trail. Time it right and you can be newly lucid for the final debate, cast your vote and head straight home to hit the dab rig on election night before the first wave of returns are tallied.

King Kondo. Spark up this high-energy Sativa blend of Roomba Kush and Minimal Skittelz for the motivation to get off the couch where you've been binge watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, fold everything within reach into squares and toss all your single socks and dusty tchotchkes. It's strong stuff so there's a real possibility that when you thank that old Def Leppard T-shirt for its service, it'll answer.

Clutterfuck. A mellow, cerebral high from this dank blend of Antiques No-sho and Hoarder Girl eases the panicky feeling that you might have thrown away some important shit that didn't spark joy in the moment but now, sitting on the bare floor of your empty home, maybe tax returns seem like a big deal.

Minstrel Meltdown. Is there any chance — even the most remote possibility — that someone might dig up a photo of you in blackface? Then that's probably happening. The good news is a dab of this powerful Indica strain will make the coming shitstorm of public scorn seem like an uncomfortable press conference you're watching on TV from far, far away. Until you come down. Yeah, you're in some trouble.

Sally Bae. This high-CBD plant produces a full body buzz that will allow you to temporarily unclench your jaw and take a few breaths under the crushing weight of student loan debt. Use your limited powers of inhalation for the biggest bong rip you can manage and temporarily push away the creeping suspicion that an education debt forgiveness bill will finally pass the moment you finally pay yours off.

Banana Bingewatch. Cope with the overwhelm of your ever-growing Netflix queue with a dose of this hybrid blend of Popcorn Plush and Palme d'Or. Its heady high lets you ignore the fact that everyone else is caught up on Game of Thrones and dulls the shame of ignoring critically acclaimed films night after night while you rewatch season after season of Charmed instead.

Kiwi Green. This strain won't actually do much to alleviate the despair of seeing mass shootings in the news as steadily as rain because good god. But it will soften your envy and make room for admiration as you watch the New Zealand government respond with a swift move toward legislative action. Even the shake from this one is more effective than the standard Thoughts and Prayers strain, which yields little more than smoke.

Waistband. Rumors and reports of the return of hip-hugger jeans have led to the stockpiling of mid-rise and high-rise pants. If that's not quelling your freak out, try a few hits of this pungent cross of Paris Stilton and Maui Midriff while telling yourself hoisting your jeans up 40 times a day is fun and youthful.

Scorched Earth. The 12-year deadline on countermeasures to climate change is both terrifying and potentially paralyzing. Don't let future generations down — have you seen how the youngs roast people online? Tamp down the existential dread and power up with a Sativa that will turn the twin fears of catastrophic sea level rise and the humiliating burns only junior high and high school activists can deliver into the motivation you need for the fight.

Total Recall. It's not even just meat that's out to kill you with E. coli anymore. Are we eating romaine again? What about local clams? How the hell was flour recalled? It's flour! The heavy-duty sedative qualities of this plant should take the edge off the anxiety of not knowing which foods are potentially poison this week. It's also sold laced with listeria to end the suspense and just get it over with already.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at 442-1400, extension 320, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Twitter @JFumikoCahill.

Got a humorous take or tale to share? Then the North Coast Journal wants to hear from you. Contact us at editor@northcoastjournal.com to pitch your column ideas.

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About The Author

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill

Bio:
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill is the arts and features editor of the North Coast Journal.

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