The Other Candidates For President
Not a Lark
United Fascist Union candidate Jack Grimes says he’s not bigoted or a hate-monger, like some other presidential candidates who give fascism a bad rep. In fact, African-American Sam McCoy leads the UFU’s Storm Troopers. All Grimes wants to do is create a global government based on a Corporate State economy, which will embrace all nations of the earth as equal trading partners, laying the foundations for a new Roman Empire.
Grimes insists that his third campaign for President is not a lark. Neither is wearing Roman outfits, which is a proud UFU tradition. Under Grimes, the necessities of life would be cheap due to his Universal Price Index, but you’d pay in other ways. “The people will be regimented, disciplined and controlled and they will stop thinking of themselves as individuals and act as components of the corporate collective,” says the hopeful dictator.
Unarchy
That’s the name of Donald Sauter’s proposed new justice system based on the do-unto-others rule. The independent candidate from Dover, Del., calls for no written laws, no judges, no lawyers, just juries whose simple majority vote determines guilt and sets the punishment. Sauter offers lots of interesting suggestions, including the Base-8 numbering system, at geocities.com/donaldsauter.
Accomplished In Aurora
Richard Duncan of Aurora, Ohio, recently rounded up 13,000 signatures that should qualify him to be on that state’s ballot as an independent candidate for President. “I got the signatures all on my own by going to people,” says Duncan, a realtor whose office triples as a campaign headquarters and tavern. “The tavern is only open on weekends. I probably only got 10 or less signatures from there.” He only needed 5,000 signers but got an extra 8,000 because he fears officials will reject many of them in determining his ultimate ballot certification.
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on the cover
Railroad!
Proposed lines ‘set rich blood a-tingling’ in early 1900s
Some Other Proposed North Coast Railroads
Choo-choo Fantasies
Exposing this east-west rail nonsense
seven-o-heaven
Undeterred Will
Will chides Andrew for lack of attention to detail and makes plans for his inevitable victory.
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Today
44th Annual Kinetic Grand Championship Race
STAFF PICK / events, art, outdoors, sports, for kids, free / 9 a.m.-6 p.m. A 3-day, 42-mile kinetic sculpture race over land, sand, mud and water! LeMans start at the Noon Whistle on the Arcata Plaza. Follow the race through Manila, Eureka and into Ferndale on Memorial Day for the Glorious Finish. kineticgrandchampionship.com. 889-3024.
Flow 2012 Fashion Show
STAFF PICK / events / 8 p.m. Arcata Theatre Lounge, 1036 G St. Student designed and produced clothing. Fundraiser for Arcata Arts Institute. $35/$25 students. artsinstitute.net. 822-1220.
Woodside Preschool's Rummage/Bake Sale
events / 8 a.m.-noon. Woodside Preschool, 900 Hodgson St, Eureka. www.woodsidepreschool.com. 445-9132.
Lanphere Dunes Restoration
STAFF PICK / outdoors / 9:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Meet at Pacific Union School. Help remove non-native invasives at the Lanphere Dunes Unit of the Humboldt Bay National Wildlife Refuge. Tools and gloves provided, wear work clothes and bring water. Carpool to the protected site. 444-1397.
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