The other candidates running for president
You Be the VP
“Steve needs a peep to be his veep,” says Steve Kissing, pictured on his website offering you a seat in the empty chair next to him. Might be a good gig. The independent candidate from Cincinnati, Ohio, is honest, admitting that he stole $25 from his church when he was a kid, jaywalks all the time, and has been to a few strip clubs (“which are some of the most depressing places on earth”). He’d pull us out of Iraq fast, and give the largest ticker-tape parade ever for the troops, with Bush and Cheney required to cut up all the paper by hand. To apply for VP, go to www.kissing4prez.org, where you can also have the candidate kiss your baby, digitally.
Nazis Retreat
The National Socialist Order of America caught a bad break when their presidential candidate, John Taylor Bowles, suffered a massive heart attack. Down but not dead yet, Bowles suspended his campaign of promoting the ideals of Adolf Hitler and making the country a better place for the white race. You can send contributions and/or get-well cards to the NSOA and they’ll make sure that Herr Bowles gets them.
Scary Campaign
Moment
Independent candidate Donald K. Allen of Youngstown, Ohio, was flummoxed when he was heading for a radio interview in Rockford, Ill., and realized he had forgotten his American flag pin. He looked all over town, including Wal-Mars, with no luck. He finally found one just in time to make it to his interview properly flagged, causing him to ask of the blogosphere: “Why aren’t they for sale everywhere?” Allen would go to war with Russia if they don’t pull out of Georgia within 24 hours, he’ll go the distance in Iraq and, being a sensitive veterinarian, he would put the weight of his administration behind shutting down puppy mills.
Best Idea From a
Vegetable
Operation Vidalia Onion — rings of defense! This is the strategic masterstroke of independent candidate Robert “In Rob We Trust” Jorgensen, who lives on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Rob, who’s of “Danish & Swiss German” ancestry, says his defense plan was inspired by the Swiss, and calls for the first onion ring to be positioned around the U.S. border some time after he is elected.
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on the cover
Railroad!
Proposed lines ‘set rich blood a-tingling’ in early 1900s
Some Other Proposed North Coast Railroads
Choo-choo Fantasies
Exposing this east-west rail nonsense
seven-o-heaven
Undeterred Will
Will chides Andrew for lack of attention to detail and makes plans for his inevitable victory.
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Today
44th Annual Kinetic Grand Championship Race
STAFF PICK / events, art, outdoors, sports, for kids, free / 9 a.m.-6 p.m. A 3-day, 42-mile kinetic sculpture race over land, sand, mud and water! LeMans start at the Noon Whistle on the Arcata Plaza. Follow the race through Manila, Eureka and into Ferndale on Memorial Day for the Glorious Finish. kineticgrandchampionship.com. 889-3024.
Flow 2012 Fashion Show
STAFF PICK / events / 8 p.m. Arcata Theatre Lounge, 1036 G St. Student designed and produced clothing. Fundraiser for Arcata Arts Institute. $35/$25 students. artsinstitute.net. 822-1220.
Woodside Preschool's Rummage/Bake Sale
events / 8 a.m.-noon. Woodside Preschool, 900 Hodgson St, Eureka. www.woodsidepreschool.com. 445-9132.
Lanphere Dunes Restoration
STAFF PICK / outdoors / 9:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Meet at Pacific Union School. Help remove non-native invasives at the Lanphere Dunes Unit of the Humboldt Bay National Wildlife Refuge. Tools and gloves provided, wear work clothes and bring water. Carpool to the protected site. 444-1397.
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ONE Comments
Comment / By fredtyg / Aug. 29, 2008, 7:04 a.m.
Vote Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party candidate for president! www.bobbarr2008.com