news story / By Richard Wall

Alt Prez

The other candidates running for president: First in a six-part series

(Aug. 21, 2008)  Just two candidates for President? Hardly. We’ve got more than 100 candidates, deluded losers and promising dreamers all begging for attention in America’s sideshow election. You’ve got outraged Ralph Nader to kick around again. But you also have Daniel Kingery, “Your Handy-Man President,” who would fix this country as surely as he’d fix the ceiling in your bathroom.

And just because every one of them will lose, that’s no reason to ignore them. After all, McCain or Obama will lose, too, just like the Handy-Man. Only Daniel won’t have a U.S. Senate seat to fall back into. These candidates believe that if you could just hear their messages, you’d vote for one of them. And they’re loaded with solutions. Housing-market crisis? Gone — if Larry Schuetter of Suisun City, Calif., wins and institutes his 100-year mortgage plan.

Obama and McCain are wussy wonks compared to Larry. Besides, they’re probably putting you to sleep by now. Before your mind rots from tepid repetition, put some excitement into the election by turning your eye to the real American candidates — the truck driver, conspiracy theorist, farmer, vampire, school teacher and assorted blowhards.

Half of you probably won’t vote, so this election is entertainment for you anyway. And an estimated 40 percent of you who do vote consider yourselves independent politically. So don’t succumb to the Dark Sides. Find your Alt Prez.

Race For 3rd Place

Chuck Baldwin, candidate for the Constitution Party and a Baptist preacher from Pensacola, Fla., hopes some of Ron Paul’s bewildered supporters will wander his way. And that is the way of limited government and an unwavering respect for the Constitution, “interpreted according to the actual intent of the Founding Fathers.” Chuck will do the interpreting.

Dr. Baldwin has a pretty good campaign going, with money. He actually travels around the country, like going to Southwestern border cities to promote his demand for the fence — and throwing illegal aliens over it.

In 2004, the Constitution Party, formerly known as the U.S. Taxpayers Party, pulled in 132,000 votes for President. This election, Chuck expects to be on the ballot in 43 states, which proves he’s serious. Sometimes declaring that he actually thinks he can win, however, suggests that he’s crossed the line between devotion and delusion.

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