Just two candidates for President? Hardly. We’ve got more than 100 candidates, deluded losers and promising dreamers all begging for attention in America’s sideshow election. You’ve got outraged Ralph Nader to kick around again. But you also have Daniel Kingery, “Your Handy-Man President,” who would fix this country as surely as he’d fix the ceiling in your bathroom.

And just because every one of them will lose, that’s no reason to ignore them. After all, McCain or Obama will lose, too, just like the Handy-Man. Only Daniel won’t have a U.S. Senate seat to fall back into. These candidates believe that if you could just hear their messages, you’d vote for one of them. And they’re loaded with solutions. Housing-market crisis? Gone -- if Larry Schuetter of Suisun City, Calif., wins and institutes his 100-year mortgage plan.

Obama and McCain are wussy wonks compared to Larry. Besides, they’re probably putting you to sleep by now. Before your mind rots from tepid repetition, put some excitement into the election by turning your eye to the real American candidates -- the truck driver, conspiracy theorist, farmer, vampire, school teacher and assorted blowhards.

Half of you probably won’t vote, so this election is entertainment for you anyway. And an estimated 40 percent of you who do vote consider yourselves independent politically. So don’t succumb to the Dark Sides. Find your Alt Prez.

Race For 3rd Place

Chuck Baldwin, candidate for the Constitution Party and a Baptist preacher from Pensacola, Fla., hopes some of Ron Paul’s bewildered supporters will wander his way. And that is the way of limited government and an unwavering respect for the Constitution, “interpreted according to the actual intent of the Founding Fathers.” Chuck will do the interpreting.

Dr. Baldwin has a pretty good campaign going, with money. He actually travels around the country, like going to Southwestern border cities to promote his demand for the fence -- and throwing illegal aliens over it.

In 2004, the Constitution Party, formerly known as the U.S. Taxpayers Party, pulled in 132,000 votes for President. This election, Chuck expects to be on the ballot in 43 states, which proves he’s serious. Sometimes declaring that he actually thinks he can win, however, suggests that he’s crossed the line between devotion and delusion.

As President, Chuck would:

Stop foreign entanglements and pull out of Iraq completely;

Kill the Patriot Act;

Allow man-woman marriages only;

End abortion on demand with a crafty end run around Roe Vs. Wade;

Repeal the income tax, and slap a 10% tariff on imports;

Respect the Christian God, though Muslims, Jews and even atheists would still be allowed to vote.

Prediction: Winning over scores of disaffected Libertarians, Chuck Baldwin will come in 5th.

The Anti-Chuck

Daniel Kingery is a self-employed odd-jobber from Wilcox, Ariz., who traveled the country campaigning (28 states) until he recently had to sell his 1986 Crown Vic and video camera for bus fare from Indiana to home. At one point he had a campaign fund of more than $15,000 dollars (only $176 from contributions), which is unusual for most independent candidates. Even though he saved money by sleeping in his car, his campaign coffers are empty. He’s still trying, sending out 200 e-mails a day.

Like Chuck Baldwin, Daniel also wants to uphold the Constitution, only he thinks it needs some fixing to close some loopholes. First, change the USA from a republic to a representative republic, whereby the people tell their elected officials what to do. Second, make betrayal of the public trust by an elected person a treasonable offense.

He’s mapped out a detailed repair plan for the country with what he calls Domino-Effect Solutions. Daniel on abortion: “Constitutionally, U.S. law and state laws can only regulate citizens or residents. U.S. Constitution defines citizen as one born or naturalized. Therefore, only those born can be protected by US law or the laws of any state.”

For more Handy-Man wisdom, go to http://www.portablepublishing.com.

Fearless Foreign Policy

“Make Iraq the 51st state.” -- Gary Ruff, a truck driver from Arlington, Texas, whose # 1 policy position might lose him some North Coast votes: legalize marijuana and tax it.

Irresistible Website Buttons

“Attempts on My Life” -- Jeff Boss of Guttenberg, N.J., who is sure that 9/11 was a National Security Agency job.

“Why Soy Wax” -- Danny Hinkle of Reno, Nev., who cares about the aromatic candle industry. Danny thinks he might get lucky and win, though his girlfriend just doesn’t see herself in the White House.

Operation Osama

Ruth Bryant White, a black female candidate from Henderson, Nev., would unleash Duane “Dog” Chapman to roam foreign lands in a search of fugitives from U.S. justice. Bin Laden would be in Gitmo before Groundhog Day.