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Alien Invasion 

For years conservative commentators have tried to warn us of the impending invasion and pleaded with us to stand in solidarity with them to ensure the continuance of our ’Merican way of life. Sadly, most were ignored. Others mocked. But who could possibly be laughing now that *they* have arrived? We should have listened. Lou Dobbs was right, dammit. What's unthinkable is the fact that it isn't the border regions -- as was predicted -- that are most affected. It's us, here in Humboldt County.

What's perhaps most shocking is how the aliens were able to get a stronghold in our region. Nearly 10 years ago, as only the most prophetic right-wing pundits howled out their warnings, a little company called eBay made history by facilitating the sale of a small North Coast town on its site. Unfortunately, no one background checked the buyers. How ironic it is that Bridgeville would become the most alien-invested town in the nation since eBay's CEO at the time the town was put up for auction is the current Republican candidate for Governor of California. That's right. If you don't like illegal aliens, my advice is don't vote for Meg Whitman. Her record for keepin' ’em out sucks!

Unchecked, the aliens have grown in number and in confidence, so much so that they now feel free to assemble openly. In fact, an annual festival has sprung up celebrating all things foreign and un-’Merican. The aliens are calling their sickening gathering BridgeFest and it is the Journal's reluctant duty to inform you that it's taking place -- again -- on Saturday, Aug. 21 in that haven-of-the-weird known as Bridgeville. Gross.

If you go (there is something wrong with you), you're bound to be repulsed by the goings-on. You're sure to see countless odd, purple, slimy beings just walking around, out in the open, flaunting their alien nature in silvery outfits. Outrageous! The aliens even engage in a Flying Saucer Contest where they launch their homemade crafts out and over the river, competing for prizes in distance, accuracy, style and appearance categories. So offensive. Expect all the other BridgeFest staples. Barbecued flesh, live local music, out-of-this-world arts and crafts and numerous alien-themed kid events aimed at corrupting ’Merican youths. Somebody call Hannity!

They call is "family-friendly," but you're sure to be appalled by BridgeFest. For more a more complete dossier on their plans, check out www.bridgevillecommunitycenter.org. Fight the good fight.

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Andrew Goff

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