Humboldt's Red Scare

For those of you that relish the opportunity to kick back cocktails in close proximity to a pit filled with carnivorous bears, your train has arrived. After you've had a few, just watch your step. This upcoming Saturday, August 1st from 6 to 9 p.m. the Sequoia Park Zoo will host the Zootini, a high-style fundraiser that will benefit the proposed Red Panda exhibit. Tickets are $45 in advance, $55 at the door or $40 for Zoo member. You might have to battle your way through hungry monkeys and Eureka socialites, but there will catering by Avalon, a silent auction, as well as music by Pan Dulce. Again, just watch for bears.

But, hold on. What do we know of this Red Panda we are inviting into our beloved zoo? Can we trust this cute little creature? Or most troubling, what makes the Red Panda red? The question has plagued humankind for thousands of years, but fear not, the North Coast Journal is up to the task of solving this perplexing mystery. Now, instead of seeking out some potentially boring scientific answer, let's see if we can construct our own red panda mythology that will be passed down through the generations. As the saying goes, don't let the truth stand in the way of a good Journal blurb.

A quick jaunt over to the "diet" portion of the "Red Panda" Wikipedia entry suggests that its red licorice that gives the mammal its distinct color. Hmm... well, even though Wikipedia is usually a reliable source, methinks someone (perhaps Journal staff) may have introduced that nugget of information to the world wide web. Not too many Red Vines littering the mountains of Asia.

No, let's dig deeper into this color conundrum. Further Wikipedia study will reveal that the Red Panda comes to us from the Himalayan mountain range stretching from Nepal in the west to... (gasp)... China in the east. Uh-oh. You know where this is going. Utilizing sound logic, one must conclude that this seemingly harmless, adorable creature is actually a secret... (double gasp)... Communist. Tell your friends. On second thought, you might want to think long and hard about whether you want to attend the Zootini or not. You might be labeled a communist sympathizer and be accused of bringing this fuzzy Red Menace to Humboldt. Your choice.

For more info, check out www.sequoiapakzoo.net.