Them Dadgum Zombies is Back

(Nov. 24, 2011) We thought the horrific Humboldt zombie plague had been eradicated. We thought we were safe. We were wrong.

Last year, shortly after Halloween, the royal family of Kinetic kick-assery known as the Rutabaga Queens delivered such a cataclysmic, WWE-style beat-down on those brain-craving sumbitches, we felt confident they’d never show their stinky, decomposing faces ‘round here again. Those spectators fortunate enough to have witnessed the Queens’ heroism at the Zombie Throwdown — picture neck-cracking clotheslines and zombie suplexes into a kiddie-pool filled with goop — emerged with a fresh gratitude for life. Harrowing stuff.

Unfortunately, the only personality trait zombies possess is persistence. Ever notice what happens when you cut one in half? The stubborn thing won’t spend even a second feeling sorry for itself. It just digs its finger bones into the dirt and starts dragging its leaking ribcage toward the nearest brain. There might be a lesson there. (Beyond, you know, “run.”)

Point is, our zombie problem is back, folks, and only the Rutabaga Queens can save us. “Our little community is doing everything it can to keep these ghouls under control, but resources are limited and zombies are super gross,” said 2008 Rutabaga Queen Lotta Paintbuckets.

The Queens assured us that the zombies have been temporarily contained at an undisclosed location. “I think it’s pretty safe,” Queen Emma the EmChantress said. “I mean, yeah, it should definitely hold them for a while.”

If it holds until Saturday night, we just might make it out of this alive. But zombie storage ain’t cheap, especially since the Department of Homeland Security eliminated its anti-zombie program. So to cover the substantial cost of this service to the county and the nation, the public has been invited to watch zombie prisoners once again wrestle our beloved Queens, this time in a pool of Thanksgiving leftovers (yuck). Yes, it’s the Second Annual Zombie Throwdown, Saturday, Nov. 26 ,at the Arcata Playhouse. The fight starts at 8 p.m. Tickets are $10 at the door and space is limited, so be punctual! Any funds left over after zombie processing will go directly to Kinetic Universe, the nonprofit that runs the Kinetic Grand Championship and Kinetic Museum.

“We really think this ought to fix it once and for all,” said reigning Rutabaga Queen G-Ma. Let’s hope so, G-Ma, for all our sakes.

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